


tacenda

by Hamartia97



Series: because we are supernovas [2]
Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: 2park are twins, 95liners are bff, Actor!AU, I'm warning you, M/M, btw how many times i make them run in this fic lmao, don't judge me i love them together, happy reading :), i'm torn between ongwink and nielwink help, ongwink, please give this pairing some love, prepare yourself for the feels, what, why the heck this is so long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 10:32:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11644719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hamartia97/pseuds/Hamartia97
Summary: “Is it hard, hyung?” Jihoon asks. “To be an actor?”There is silence threading over the air around them, but then Seongwoo ruffles his head, his mouth curving into a smile.“No, it’s not.” answers Seongwoo. “To keep being an actor, that’s the real struggle.”





	tacenda

Seongwoo blinks his eyes repeatedly at the papers he’s currently holding. His hands begin to shake just like his blown pupils.

“Y-You’re kidding, right?”

Minhyun only sighs, exasperation marking his face with soft creases. “I’m not, you moron. If you forgot, you’ve already signed the contract two days ago.”

“What?” his jaw drops at the information. “Why I don’t know anything?”

“Because you were drunk, you overturned trashcan.” Minhyun is trying his best to not start screaming obscenities at his boss, but the said boss makes it hard for him. “Daniel invited you to drink two days ago, remember?”

“That satan actually managed to trick me?” he says in horror. “How?”

Minhyun massages his forehead and tries to control his breathing. His boss is an idiot, and he knows it, but he doesn’t think that his stupidity has reached this level yet.

Looks like he is dead wrong.

“You, Ong Seongwoo, are going to act with newbie actor Park Jihoon in Kang Daniel’s new movie.” he hisses when Seongwoo tries to open his big mouth. “No complaints, no whining, or I will shove your beloved sling bag down your throat and watch you choke to death while eating popcorn.”

Seongwoo blanches, his face turning pale at an alarmingly fast speed.

“Shit.”

“Yeah,” Minhyun agrees. “You’re shit.”

 

* * *

—[ **t a c e n d a** ]—  
}{

{ **acting** deals with very delicate **emotions** , it is not putting up a **mask**. }  
_each time an actor acts he does not hide; he_ _exposes himself._

* * *

 _because_ _we are supernovas; 02_ **  
** 「Ong **Seongwoo** /Park **Jihoon** ; Actor! **AU** 」

* * *

}{

 

“And cut!”

Jihoon blinks his eyes at the sudden exposure to stage lights and wipes the remaining sweat on his brow with the back of his palm. He straightens out, eyes busy scanning the audiences for any familiar face. When he reaches the seat at the very back of the theater, a smile blooms on his tired face.

 _You’ve done a great job_ , Woojin mouths at him while gesturing wildly with his hands. _Don’t worry about the result, they’re all assholes anyway._

Reading the motion of Woojin’s lips perfectly, Jihoon hides a smile behind his palm. His previously slouched posture now regains some of its strengths. His brother sure knows how to reassure him the best.

 _I know_ , he mouths back, grinning. _Thank you for watching._

“So, let’s see—” Jihoon has almost jumped in fright when one of the juries folds her hands in front of her face like that scene from a shitty drama he watched years ago. “Park Jihoon-ssi, right?”

“Y-Yes mam!” he bows twice and almost falls down the stage because of his poor balance. It’s his own fault for not joining Woojin’s at the gym though. “It’s nice to meet you!”

She raises her eyebrow at him, or maybe at his timidity, but says nothing. “Our last contestant. Male. Twenty years old. Currently enrolled at SNU. No experience in acting, huh?” she smirks. “What a brave young lad you are.”

“Hey, don’t be such a bitch, Irene.” From her right, a man with light brown hair frowns at her in disgust. “Just read your evaluation of him.”

“Gezz, talk about being a bitch.” she glares back before settling her eyes on Jihoon. “Personally, I have no problem with you, but I have to say that—”

 _Mom_ _please help your son,_ he prays _._

“—your acting is shit.”

Jihoon grimaces.

_Ouch._

Trying so hard to not burst into tears right then and now, Jihoon drags his bottom lip between his teeth and starts to gnaw on the plump flesh. He knows that he’s not really that good at acting, but he doesn’t know that he’s _that_ bad.

“You’re a natural with dialogues, your expression was perfect too. But you played with your role too much to the point that it annoyed me.” continues Irene. “Have you ever heard about respecting the writer, boy?”

“Y-Yes mam.” he bows his head in shame. “I’m s-sorry.”

“You weren’t acting back there,” she says. “You were making up your own dialogues and playing your own character. That, is an insult to the writer whose script you’re holding now. Whatever happened to stay true to the story, huh?”

“Irene you—” The man glares at her. “Can’t you stop talking garbage and actually give him a proper evaluation?”

“I’m giving him a proper evaluation, Sungwoon-ssi.” she hisses back. “Do not question my method like you know shit about acting.”

Sungwoon scowls. “You bit—”

“That’s enough.”

Voice booms from the backstage, startling everyone in the vicinity. Jihoon blinks when suddenly a series of gasps and choking sound echoes inside the small theater. Following the audience’s line of vision, Jihoon sees a man – probably in his early twenties – who is currently walking with even steps toward him. When he has almost reached Jihoon though, he stops to give him a charming smile.

“Why, aren’t you such a cutie?” he says, grinning. “Should we leave these idiots alone and have a tea together, hm?”

“H-Huh?” Jihoon feels his cheeks burning up as the man brings his hand up only to leave a chaste kiss upon his knuckles. “W-Wha—”

“My name is Kang Daniel.” he winks at him. “And I think you’ll be a perfect addition in my upcoming movie. You’re up for it, hm?”

 

 

* * *

 _lesson one:_  
acting doesn't bring anything from the script,  

* * *

}{

 

 

Ong Seongwoo has been acting for as long as he can remember.

Starting off as a child actor with minimal dialogues and even more minimal time screens, he is now what people called as a superstar. His past self would never dream of starring as the main lead in various movies and screenplays, let alone reach his current level as Korea’s most sought-after actor. Back in his childhood, he could only hope to get one line per cut, but now he is the star of every movie he’s been promoting for the last few years, how amazing is that?

To put it bluntly, his life is settled.

He has loyal fans from every part of the world, continuous offers for screenplays and movies alike, and even love calls from various agencies to sign their contracts. Everything about his career is already set on the stone, but now that Park Jihoon is coming into the picture, he watches it crumbling down.

**_SLAP_ **

“Ouch!” Seongwoo nurses his burning arms, “What the hell was that for huh?!”

“Stop being dramatic and read your script already.” Minhyun sighs. “I’m tired seeing your pouting face every five seconds. “Couldn’t you be mature just this once?”

“I am mature.” he bites out bitterly. “I just can’t believe that my career is being staked just because of some new actor. Do you even know the extent of his ability? With zero experience, I doubt that he can keep up with my acting.”

Minhyun slaps him again, and this time, he does it hard until it leaves a mark. He glares coldly at Seongwoo when he tries to open his mouth for a second time. “I said stop being dramatic for god sake! You haven’t even met him yet!”

“Exactly!” Seongwoo nods his head eagerly. “I haven’t met him yet and my conscience already telling me to terminate the contract before it’s too late! Don’t you understand my feeling, huh? It’s scary!”

“Seongwoo-ya, look at me.” Minhyun puts his hand on his shoulder. “Do you trust me?”

Hearing the unexpected question startles him a little. “H-Huh? Of cour—”

“Then,” he cuts him off. “Do you trust Daniel?”

Seongwoo frowns. “How could I trust that piece of shi—”

“Ong Seongwoo!”

“Yes! Yes, I trust him, alright?” he raises his hands up in surrender. “Now stop yelling at me and let me read the fucking script in peace.”

Seongwoo rests his head back into the chair, closing his eyes shut. Usually, he would be overjoyed to learn about his assigned role as soon as he’d got it, but _nooo_ it just has to be another work that he has no choice but accepts just because his friends are a bunch of manipulative little shits. How bad his life could be?

He stares at the pile of screenplays stacked on the table, sighing. Albeit slowly, he fishes the red colored map at the top and puts it on his lap, cringing when he sees his co-actor’s name stamped brightly on its cover.

(What good is this Park Jihoon guy that a big director – don’t tell him he said that – like Kang Daniel recruited him personally?)

Sighing again, he scans over the script with little interest. He always does this at least twice a week despite his growing refusals to shitty storylines and shitty co-starring. It’s like they don’t have the heart to accept the fact that he will never agree to play such atrocity. But because this time the screenplays came personally from Daniel, he couldn’t even _hope_ to ever reject it. Shuffling through the dozens of papers with a steady hand, he skips over the introduction to catch the title instead; written in a pretty gold ink.

Seongwoo scoffs.

_Ridiculous._

“Tacenda?” he knits his brows together. “What the hell it even means?”

 

 

* * *

_on the contrary, it makes the text alive with your own perception  
of the story itself. _

* * *

}{

 

 

Park Jihoon has been dreaming of being an actor as long as he can remember.

He thinks it’s because of his mother’s influence at first. She was an actress back in her prime days, and even now she still loves the world of acting with her life. Jihoon wants to give her that happiness back, to bring that sparkling world into her doorstep once more, even in an entirely different form.

To say that it’s easy road from there is an understatement. Jihoon is really shy by nature, and also pretty closed off with his emotion. When he was a child, his mother even enrolled him in some shady character building course just because she saw him breaking all possible friendship he could have had in primary school. It wasn’t like he didn’t try—his friends were just a bunch of assholes who loved to torment him, so how could he be friends with them?

(Besides, it wasn’t only him that had to receive the burn of the insults, but also his mother. His kind and gentle mother who deserves all good things in this world. There’s no way he could accept something like that.)

So just imagine it when he saw young Seongwoo from the screen of his old tv, marching down the stage like he owned it while all the audience gave him a standing ovation. The boy, even only at fourteen, managed to make the entire stadium impressed with his spectacular acting and Jihoon was stunned.

For young Jihoon, who was afraid to even look at other people in the eyes, Seongwoo’s confidence was admirable. He, who couldn’t even raise his voice without wincing, found himself wanting to be on the same stage with the older.

(Jihoon doesn’t know why, but there’s something about the actor which attracts him. Something nameless and unknown, something, he couldn’t put into words.)

He thinks it’s the same feeling like when he saw his mother from back then. The tightness in his chest is all too familiar, so when Kang Daniel – yes, that famous director – offered him a role to play in his upcoming movie alongside his lifetime idol, how could he refuse, really?

“Woojin-ah.”

“Hm.”

“Woojinie!” he calls again. “Listen to me~”

“What is it Hoonie?” The red-haired boy hisses. “Don’t you see me trying to sleep here?”

“B-But,” Jihoon pulls his lower lip between his teeth only to gnaw on it. “What if Seongwoo-ssi doesn’t want to act with a newbie actor like me and terminate the contract? I mean, I haven’t even debuted yet!”

For the umpteenth time, Woojin sighs into his pillow. “Can’t you shut up for a moment? Just relax, okay? Daniel-hyung said to not worry so go eat your ice cream and watch that drama you’ve been following for the past months.”

“I can’t do that Woojin-ah~” Jihoon whines. “The main actor is Seongwoo-ssi you know! Instead of watching, I’ll start biting my nails in nervousness again you meanie!”

Woojin slaps his face, groaning all the way.

“Why are you so nervous anyway?” he asks. “It’s not like the usual you.”

Jihoon stops his pathetic whining only to throw Woojin a blank look. “Why are you asking such an obvious thing?” he pouts and begins to hit him with his Jigglypuff plushie. “Of course because I admire him! Seongwoo-ssi is really a cool actor!”

“Really?” he raises his eyebrow. “Only because he’s a cool actor?”

Pausing at his attempt of murder, Jihoon tilts his head to a side. “Of course. What else?”

Woojin shakes his head, a fond smile on his face. “Nah, nothing. Just forget it.”

“Yah, you’re a weird person, Park Woojin.” he frowns. “Why am I stuck with you?”

“I don’t know.” he shrugs. “Ask your mother.”

Jihoon groans.

“Our mother is the same, you shithead!”

Just when Woojin is about to retort something at his brother’s flushed face, they hear the bell rings; once, twice, before the door opens by itself. From the dimly lighted doorway, standing in all his glory is Daniel.

“Jihoonie~ How are you my cute lil’ son?” Daniel pinches Jihoon’s cheeks as soon as he reaches him, forcing a pout to emerge on his throbbing face. “Awe, you’re such a cutie. Can I take you home with me for a night?”

Woojin expertly slaps Daniel’s hand away from Jihoon’s before he pins him a glare. “Get away from my brother you creep. You sound exactly like those perverted ajusshi pining over underaged girls in dramas.”

“Yha, what happened to _respect your elder?_ ” pouts Daniel as he nurses his throbbing hand. “Jihoon’s right, you’re such a meanie. How could the two of you be twins?”

“We’re fraternal twins, you moron.” Woojin huffs. “Of course we are different from each other. I am way more handsome and smarter than him.”

Jihoon bristles at the blatant insult, his face begins to redden. “Ya Park Woojin! What did you say about me? I’m older than you!”

“Only by two hours!” he bites back. “I am more mature than you anyway!”

“W-Wha—” Jihoon keeps closing and opening his mouth like a goldfish. The sight would be very cute if only Jihoon isn’t glaring at Woojin like he’s about to devour him alive. “ _YA—!”_

“That’s enough!” Daniel puts himself between the raging twins, apparently fed up with their childish fight. “You both remember your age. You mother must be howling in sadness if she knows that her twenty years old twins behave like a five years old.”

“Sorry, hyung.” Jihoon mumbles as his head drops down in shame. “I’ll be responsible.”

Daniel's eyes soften at the sheer sadness which pasted on Jihoon’s face. He looks like a kicked puppy with his messy hair and glazed eyes. “Awe, don’t wear that face cutie. Hyung is not mad at you, alright?” he ruffles Jihoon’s hair gently and smiles at him. “In fact, I have great news to tell!”

“It’s about the movie, isn’t it?” Woojin pipes out. “Did he terminate the contract?”

“Nah, everything is perfect!” says Daniel, turning around to grip Jihoon’s shoulders. “That’s why I want you to pack your clothes and essential things now.”

“Huh?” Jihoon tilts his head. “Why?”

Daniel smirks.

“Because you’ll be living with Seongwoo until your contract ends.”

 

 

* * *

 _lesson two;_  
acting is a matter of giving away secrets,

* * *

}{

 

 

“Aish,” Daniel ruffles Jihoon’s head fondly. “Don’t be so nervous. It will be fine!”

“Hyung, why I have to live with him? In his condo, no less?” The younger pouts, his mind full of scenarios in which he meets his upcoming doom. He wouldn’t underestimate fans of such famous actor. He could _die_ , dammit. “Wouldn’t his fans kill me? My life isn’t in danger, right?”

Hearing that ridiculous question forces Daniel to roll his eyes. “Of course not! The arrangement is being kept a secret, and only a selected few like his manager and your brother know about it. Don’t worry about any raging fangirl – or fanboys – coming out to demand your blood. It won’t happen,” he pauses, “Well, hopefully.”

Jihoon looks like he’s about to cry.

_What do mean hopefully???_

“Anyway,” Daniel clears his throat. “We’ll give the two of you a week to familiarize with each other. Seongwoo is annoying by nature, but honestly, he’s a good guy so don’t worry about not being able to stand him.”

“I know that Seongwoo-ssi is a good guy,” he whines. “I just don’t understand why we need to spend our time 24/7 with each other.”

“It’s to build your chemistry with each other,” he says. “I’ve done this project multiple times when I see something—” he turns his head to smile mysteriously at Jihoon. “—interesting in my actors and actress. Just do as what I told you and you’ll be fine.”

Jihoon sighs. “Okay, I’ll trust you, Daniel-hyung.” he smiles weakly at him. “Just please save me when the time comes, alright?”

“You’ve got it, captain.” Daniel grins. “Anyway, you’ve read the script already, right?”

At the mention of this, Jihoon lightens up quickly. The sparkles in his eyes shimmering bright like stars in the sky. “Yeah! It’s really a good story hyung. I love every part of the storyline, even the sad parts. I really can’t wait to meet the writer! They must be a genius.” he gushes out.

What follows is silence. Jihoon tilts his head to the side, wondering if he, by any chance, has just said something wrong to receive such response.

“Are you not afraid, Jihoon?” Daniel asks after a minute of staring outside the window, his face wary and cold. “This movie isn’t the usual movie you find in every corner of Seoul. It’s a little bit outlandish, but it’s also a beautiful story to be told. To debut with a movie like this is scary, even with my fame and Seongwoo’s combined couldn’t guarantee anything. Because we know how cruel the film industry could be. Once you hit rock bottom from the start, there will be no way for you to climb up again.”

“Hyung… what are you trying to say?”

“I’m giving you a chance to back out. The last chance,” he says seriously. “If you want to give up the role, I won’t mind. I’ll give you another role that will suit you perfectly.”

Jihoon frowns and lowers his head, eyes meeting the opened palms on his lap. Somewhere inside his mind, he's aware how risky this movie is considering the many stigmas spread among society. It’s a touchy subject still, he knows. But it makes him even more challenged to take the role instead.

“Hyung,” Jihoon opens his mouth, but he doesn’t look at him. “Why did you recruit me back in my last audition?”

Daniel blinks. “Because I saw something in you.”

“Do you still see it then?” Jihoon pauses to catch Daniel’s eyes. “Or whatever it was, it’s gone already?”

“I still see it in you.” he nods. “And it shines brighter than before. Will you believe it if I say that someday you’ll be as big as Seongwoo?”

“I doubt that I would ever stand on the same level as Seongwoo-ssi.” Jihoon smiles so wide that his eyes crinkle upward. He'd never really expected to have any legitimate acting roles, let alone being launched to lead in his first movie ever, but Daniel proved him otherwise. “The fact that a big director like you acknowledges my acting skill is already enough for me. So there is your answer, hyung.”

Daniel hides a smile.

“Someday you will see what I saw in you, Jihoon-ah.” he says. “And when the time comes, you’ll realize how great of an actor you truly are.”

 

 

* * *

_when you act, you are telling a story of your own.  
_

* * *

}{

 

 

“Minhyun,” asks Seongwoo. “Am I not dreaming?”

To answer his obnoxious question, Minhyun presents him a slap on his back, hard.

“No, you dipshit.” he hisses. “Can you not have a mental breakdown now of all times? I’m tired. You’re tired. We’re both tired, so please get your shit together before the two of them arrived because god, I can’t have Daniel nagging at me about your attitude for the nth time again!”

“Whoa,” Seongwoo blinks his eyes at Minhyun’s raging form. “Chill out, why you're so savage today? Jongie refused to date you again?”

Minhyun's right eye twitches. With rage burning inside his eyes, the man tugs Seongwoo harshly in front of him then starts pulling his earlobe between his fingers. He ignores the pained yelp Seongwoo howls into his face. “You’re lucky that I’m the most patient person on earth, if not you’ll be dead by now.”

“Ow, ow—that’s hurts!” he screams. “I’m sorry okay? Jonghyun is a fool for ignoring your advances to woo him! Now would you release my ear? It really hurts.”

With a scoff, Minhyun drops his hand and moves into the sofa. “I pity that Jihoon kid for having to spend his time with you 24/7. I sure pray that he has the patience of a saint because god knows how stupid you can sometimes be.”

“I’m not that bad.” he stubbornly says. “I may be a little slow sometimes, but most of the times I’m a genius.”

“Sure, _Mr. Genius_.” Minhyun rolls his eyes. “Should I remind you that time you tripped on nothing and landed on the sidewalk butt first? Or when you accidentally cursed like a sailor in front of a two years old that the first thing she said to her parents was _yo’ assholes_? Or maybe that time when we were attending the live broadcast and—”

“Okay stop it, I surrender!” Seongwoo raises his hand high, his face burning red in color, clearly embarrassed by his pitiful actions in the past. “I will never bring Jonghyun up again so please do me a favor and never mention those horrendous things again,” he says. “Never, you heard me? Especially in front of the newbie. My pride would be _crushed._ ”

“Do I care about your pride?” his eyebrow climbs high. “No, I don’t. So please get yourself together. It’s currently 6.55 p.m, and the two will be here by seven.”

“Minhyun-ah!” when his pride is at stake, Seongwoo will stop at nothing to defend it so he blinks up at his manager innocently while sporting a sad expression, hoping the male would fall into his charm. “You’re my best friend! Don’t you pity me even a little?”

Rolling his eyes, Minhyun pays him no mind. “Stop that. You look ridiculous.”

“But Minhyunie~” he whines again. “What about bros for life huh? Come on sp—”

**_DING_ **

They stop bickering when the sound of bell ringing echoes from the front door. After engaging in some kind of staring contest, Seongwoo nudges his manager hard on the hips. “You get them.”

“Why me?” Minhyun deadpans. “They are your guest, not mine.”

“Pretty please?” Seongwoo blinks his eyes repeatedly. “I need to get my shit together, remember?”

Minhyun groans into his palm before he walks into the door, giving the actor a cold glare. “You better be.”

When Minhyun completely disappears into the dim-lighted hallway, silence showers down around him. The constant ticking clock blares from the living room, its mild beats shellacking against the tense stillness. Seongwoo sighs, drawing his breath long and low.

_This is it._

Even though they always say that he seems like a bright child, Seongwoo actually isn’t a fan of people. He is fine with his co-workers being all friendly and shit with him outside the scenes to build their image, but only that. He knows how fake the film industry truly is, how fickle popularity could be, and that’s why he doesn’t want to get attached.

By allowing a stranger into his condo to live with him for six months though, that’s not something he would have agreed on. Because it gives an opportunity for someone to enter his life. And Seongwoo doesn’t want that. He doesn’t know if he is ready for that.

(Not after the only person that he loved left him rotting in this cruel world all alone. Seongwoo doesn’t think he’s ready for another heartbreak; not anymore.)

So curse that satan, for roping him inside this mess. Seongwoo swears he will kill him when he finally has the chance.

_Just wait for my revenge you asswipe._

“Yah Ong Seongwoo,” An annoyed voice emerges behind him. “Treat your guest better, will you? Such an ungrateful little shit.”

Seongwoo rolls his eyes at the blatant insult. Yep, definitely Kang Daniel.

_Here comes the asshole._

After patting his cheeks multiple times in a weak attempt to school his nervousness, the actor prepares one of his unamused glares then turns around. “Who are you calling lil’ shit huh?”

_Wait a minute._

Instead of finding Daniel’s usual constipated face and ridiculously broad shoulders, Seongwoo catches the prettiest eyes he has ever seen instead.

_Whoa._

(He thinks this is the perfect time to blast that ridiculous WGM’s soundtrack, because _dammit_ he can feel himself blushing from head to toe.)

Gulping down a bile in his throat, Seongwoo tries not to gape at the boy like an idiot, but nooo his conscience just has to knock down every wall of his self-control, so he is left with nothing but an absolutely shook expression to wear at the moment. But dammit, can someone be that gorgeous and cute at the same time? There are literally no words to explain his ethereal presence better than that.

_What the fuck Kang Daniel. Seriously what the fuck._

 “Ah, u-um—” As if he knows that Seongwoo is checking him up, the deer-eyed boy – _his eyes are sparkling ohmygod_ – straightens his back before he hastily bows two times, his waist bending the full ninety degrees every time. “M-My name is Park Jihoon! It’s nice to meet you, sunbaenim!”

Two seconds later and Seongwo melts into puddles. Now he is certain that there’s zero chance for him to keep his cool throughout the nine months they have to spend together. The actor spies the way he – Jihoon, his name is Jihoon, he reminds himself – clutches his sleeves tightly until his knuckles turn chalk-white against the dark material. At that moment, Seongwoo is floored by how young and innocent the boy looks.

(He knows beforehand that his co-actor is young, but he doesn’t know he’s _that_ young.)

“Uh, s-sunbaenim?” Jihoon blinks at him, and Seongwoo has to stop himself from cooing at how adorable he is. “Is there something w-wrong with my face?”

Blinking rapidly to clear his mind, Seongwoo finally notices the odd looks Minhyun and Daniel have been throwing him for the past minutes. He was too focused on Jihoon’s face that he didn’t notice Daniel smirking at him with his shitty raised eyebrows or Minhyun’s growing smirk.

 _You’re screwed_ , his manager slash best friend mouths at him.

Seongwoo groans.

_Yeah, I’m definitely screwed._

Ruffling his messy hair, Soengwoo forces down his swelling embarrassment and buries it into some corner of his head. He glances to the stack of paper beside him in despair.

 _There is no chance to back out anymore_ , he thinks.

(How could he crush this poor boy’s dream after all? He doesn’t want to imagine the face in front of him scrunching up in tears, his lips trembling and cheeks flushed. The idea alone is enough to hurt his poor heart.)

So yeah, he should just trust Daniel’s judgment about his acting, right?

“It’s hyung.”

Jihoon tilts his head in confusion. “S-Sunbaenim?”

“You can call me hyung,” repeats Seongwoo. “Park Jihoon, isn’t it?”

The boy is silent for a second or two before he nods eagerly. “N-Ne hyungnim!”

Seongwoo’s lips quirk into a slight smile.

_Ah, he’s definitely cute._

“It’s nice to meet you, Jihoon-ah.”

 

 

* * *

 _lesson three;_  
acting is not being emotional, 

* * *

}{

 

 

Jihoon squeaks when he hears a loud crash from the kitchen, and when he arrives at the crime scene to the see what happened, he is served with Seongwoo’s woeful face and tons of soiled eggs on the floor instead. Both of them grow incredibly silent as they stare at the mess, then turn to stare at each other.

_Okay, just act casual._

“U-Uhm,” Jihoon clears his throat. “Is there a-anything I can help?”

Pausing at his nth attempt not to cry in frustration and retreat to his room, Seongwoo blinks his eyes at Jihoon. “Huh? I thought you can’t cook to save your life?”

Jihoon grimaces at the, well, _not_ -insult. He knows the older mean well. Curse Daniel-hyung and his weird sense of humor.

“It’s not like I can’t cook…” he mumbles while playing with his fingers in nervousness. “I’m pretty decent actually. As long as the menu isn’t too complicated, then I’m confident in my cooking. I mean, frying egg is kinda… easy?”

“Easy.” Seongwoo deadpans. “You should have said that before! I thought I’m going to spend the rest of the night emptying my freezer from any form of food!”

“U-Um, I can cook them for you?” offers Jihoon. “You haven’t had dinner, hyung?”

“Please do, oh my god you’re my savior!” he says dramatically, dumping all the utensils in his possession into Jihoon’s hand. It is a wonder that Seongwoo doesn’t just walk out of the kitchen right then and now. “I have had, but I’m hungry again.”

Jihoon giggles behind the spatula he’s holding. “Daniel-hyung is right.”

“What?” Seongwoo perks up at the mention of his longtime enemy slash best friend. “What did he say about me?”

“You have a gigantic appetite for an actor,” he says, smiling wide until his cute teeth peek out from his lips. “He told me that I have to prepare myself to starve because you will snatch all the food.”

Seongwoo pouts. “I’m not _that_ petty. That satan is trying to defame me.”

“I know.” Jihoon smiles. “But it’s still funny.”

They settle into comfortable silence, and Jihoon begins to hum along with the sizzling of the eggs he is currently frying. When he’s flipping them up, he notices that Seogwoo has taken place behind him, his face right above his shoulder. The position is incredibly close and intimate, and it makes Jihoon’s heart runs across his chest loudly.

_Huh, why it’s beating so fast?_

“Um, hyungnim—”

“Hyung.”

“Ah, ne, hyung. I mean, Seongwoo-hyung,” he corrects almost immediately. “Can I ask you something?”

Seongwoo nods absentmindedly, his eyes never leave the fried eggs in Jihoon’s possession. “Ask anyway.”

Jihoon puts the flame down and moves the eggs onto the plate in Seongwoo’s eager hands, who in turn walks to the pantry. He unties his apron from around his waist, hanging it on the hook beside the freezer as he heads to follow Seongwoo’s longer steps. Seongwoo hollers a thanks before stuffing his face, all while ignoring Jihoon’s previous question.

(Looks like giving him food first wasn’t a brilliant choice.)

“Hyung,” Jihoon calls again to remind him. “Are you—um, okay with this?”

Seongwoo stops himself from continuing his eating spree, his eyes innocently spread wide. “With what?” he asks, tilting his head.

_Uwah, why this hyung is so cute._

“Uh, acting with me, I mean.” Jihoon says sheepishly, scratching his cheek in nervousness. He looks down into the marble countertop and gnaws his bottom lip between his teeth. “I thought you would break the contract off when you heard that I’m a new actor with no experience…”

When Jihoon looks up, he expects Seongwoo to laugh at him and confirm his nightmare in a heartbeat, but instead, the older only looks at him gently and holds up his fork to him, offering Jihoon the half-bitten egg to eat.

“Am I really that cruel in your eyes?” he says teasingly with a smile.

Jihoon’s eyes widen. “No! Of course not!”

“Then,” he pauses to pluck the fried egg into Jihoon’s mouth, his lips curving into a grin. “I can’t wait to see your acting, Park Jihoon-ah.”

Finally collecting enough soul to start munching on the egg quietly, Jihoon can’t fight the blush from decorating his face in a lovely, crimson color.

_Mom, why is my heart beating so fast?_

Seongwoo flashes another grin at him, and Jihoon thinks, the next nine months wouldn’t be that bad after all.

 

 

* * *

 _but_ _being able to fully express emotion.  
_

* * *

}{

 

 

“So, I want you to meet Jonghyun-hyung.” Daniel says, a smile present on his face like always. “He’s the writer of the script, so he’ll be there with us until the end of filming.”

Seongwoo hides his snicker when he sees Jihoon’s gaping mouth and widened eyes when a man, probably no older than twenty pushes himself forward to give him a soft smile. Jonghyun is a familiar face for Seongwoo, but he thinks not so for Jihoon. Well, it’s not like he is bragging or something, but his circle of friends actually formed by famous and known peoples in the industry. He knows that for a newbie like Jihoon, meeting many household names all at once must be overwhelming.

(But yeah, the way his face reddens by every second is very amusing indeed.)

“H-Hyung,” Jihoon nudges him and whispers. “Am I really going to play the lead? Like, _the_ lead actor?”

Snorting in amusement, Seongwoo nudges him back. “Why? Are you getting cold feet right now?”

“No! It’s just I never thought—” his lips pucker into a pout. “Why everyone is so famous? And here I’m like… _this_.”

“What nonsense are you talking about.” Seongwoo actually laughs at the forlorn expression on his face, but then curves his mouth into a half-smile when Jihoon frowns. “Hey, don’t underestimate yourself too much.”

“But I’m—”

“Park Jihoon, right?” Jonghyun cuts off his sentence with a gentle smile, offering his hand. “It’s nice to finally meet you in person. Daniel spoke highly of you, so I can’t help but get curious.”

Jihoon bows twice, a full ninety degrees, until his hair gets all messed up before he shakes Jonghyun’s hand shyly. “L-Likewise sunbaenim. It’s really nice to meet you!”

Tilting his head, Jonghyun examines him from head to toe, and not even once he let go of Jihoon’s hand. “Daniel is right.”

“Eh?” Jihoon blinks.

The writer smiles at him in return. “You’re really cute.”

Seongwoo snorts at that. “Yah, don’t try to seduce a kid, Jongie. You know that shit is illegal.”

“W-Wha—Wha – I’m—” Jihoon begins to hyperventilate. “I’m not a kid! I’m _twenty!_ ”

“Twenty?” he raises his brow, smirking wide. “Wow. He is _twenty!_ Can you believe that? I must be living in an alternate world, I mean, if he’s twenty then I must be forty or something.”

“Hyung~ Hajima~” Jihoon whines, his face in a lovely shade of red. “That’s not it…”

“Cute.” Jonghyun remarks, chuckling to himself. He turns to Seongwoo then, tipping his head in a silent recognition, before he regards them both with a bright smile. “So, shall we start then?”

All of them are about to agree with the connotation before the door behind them suddenly blasts open, the harsh motion sending splinters of wood flying in every direction.

“Yah, how dare you forget me you little shit.”

Seongwoo groans loudly when he sees a very beautiful man stands at the entrance. He is sporting a scowl on his face and looks very, _very_ murderous. Besides him, Daniel curses to himself when he too, recognize the face from afar.

Rolling his eyes, Daniel shakes his head and sighs loudly. “And that, is his highness Choi Minki, our head stylist.” he says nonchalantly before he mutters under his breath. “Unfortunately.”

Minki stomps his way into Daniel’s direction. “You incorrigible little shi—”

“Minki-ya, aigoo, sometimes you can be too much to handle.” Jonghyun shakes his head in exasperation. “And you, Daniel. Play nice, okay?”

“Yes hyung.” both of them grumbles in unison.

“Oy, why are you kids littering here.” A young man, maybe in his late twenties emerges from the backstage. “We need to prepare the equipment now, so shoo.”

Shaking his head, Jonghyun gives out a smile. “Dongho-ya, you’re here too?”

The gruff looking man simply nods before he disappears back into the backstage. Seongwoo groans again. Of course; Minki and Dongho is a package, there is no way that he would find one without the other. It’s like a shared knowledge between their wayward little group.

“I’m going to die…”

Whipping his head in surprise, Seongwoo is faced with Jihoon’s round eyes.

“Hey, you okay there?” Seongwoo crouches a little to par his eyes with Jihoon’s. He is taken aback when he sees how pale he has become. “Shit, why are you so pale?”

“Hyung… why there are only famous people here?” Jihoon asks blankly. It looks like his soul has left his body completely. “I feel like a potato in a middle of high-class steaks now. You know, _that_ potato. I think I might be a potato in my previous life.”

Seongwoo doesn’t know whether to laugh or slap the boy from his daze, but it’s too funny that he ends up coughing his lungs out without an ounce of guilt. And because Seongwoo has a too loud voice, and a too annoying way of laughing, everyone stops their bickering to stare at the two of them, their eyebrows raised high in confusion.

“Jihoon-ah,” Daniel, who finally notices that his actor’s face has gone chalk white, runs to him and shakes him from his stupor. “Are you okay cutie? Why are you so pale?!”

Clutching his stomach, Seongwoo tries to calm his laughter down. “He’s a potato, Daniel. He won’t understand what are you talking about.”

At this, their confusion only grows to the point that even Jonghyun starts fussing over Jihoon in concern. But the younger only looks at him blankly, his eyes devoid of any emotion. After a few taps on the shoulders and thousands of reassurances later, Jihoon is finally calm enough to understand human language once again. He sits down on his chair and bows his head in embarrassment.

After changing simple pleasantries, they move into a secluded place at some corner of the small theater. Because they haven’t seen Jihoon’s capabilities yet, they decided to hold a mini play with only a selected few to presents. Mainly the two of them, Jonghyun, and Daniel. But then, Minki insisted to tag along with them, forcing his way out between the four with a force of a storm and wherever Minki goes, Dongho is sure to follow. So yeah, that means four plus two equals six.

Seongwoo shakes his head in exasperation. Seriously.

“So,” Jonghyun begins with a smile. “Should I explain first about the storyline?”

“I think that's an excellent idea.” Daniel nods at him, settling himself into the chair beside Dongho. “Both of them already read the scripts beforehand so you should just tell them the basic, hyung.”

Jonghyun nods at him and pats the chair beside him. “Come here, Jihoon.” he turns around, “You too, Seongwoo. Come closer.”

They look at each other before walking towards the writer in sync. Jihoon takes the chair on Jonghyun’s right, and in turn, Seongwoo takes the other. After they settle into their respective seat, Jonghyun opens his mouth;

“Something that you need to know about this play is, I didn’t create it by myself.” Seongwoo blinks his eyes in shock and spies Jihoon doing the same like him. “Ah, no. Let me rephrase it. I _did_ write the script by myself, but the idea actually came from an interesting encounter with a stranger on the street.”

Seongwoo frowns. _What?_

“He wore this suspiciously weird outfit which made it hard to see his face. But because it was a busy time, and there’s no space left, I choose to sit beside him.” Jonghyun chuckles. “It’s really quiet at first, and he looks like he’s not a talker, but then after some time passed I noticed something.” he pauses, “Right between his fingers clasped tight, there was a silver pendant and a crumpled letter.”

Dongho begins to squint his eyes hard into his friend of ten years, a frown marring his face. “Jonghyun, don’t say that—"

“Yeah, I did. You know that I’m a curious person. So I blurted out the question unconsciously and realized my mistake a second too late.” Jonghyun stops as if he’s considering his words before a laugh tears off from his lips. “You know, for a moment there I thought he was going to glare at me and tell me to fuck off, but then, he did the opposite. He told me about how he’s searching for someone important to him, but that person didn’t want to be found.”

Seongwoo observes the way Daniel raises his eyebrow at the revelation. Looks like it’s also the first time for him to hear this fact from Jonghyun, just like the rest of them. Seongwoo thought as the director he would have been informed beforehand, but it seems like he’s wrong.

“He said that their life wasn’t exactly rainbow and sunshine, and something happened in the past that made everything harder. But at least, they were happy together. They were happy, and he was willing to fight for their future, but the same case didn’t apply to his significant other. They left the stranger all alone with only a pendant and letter, and told him that they didn’t want to be found.”

Pausing to stare at his audience one by one with an unbearable look, Jonghyun works a small smile on his lips.

“I think, it was an absolutely heartbreaking story to tell, but also beautiful at the same time. So I asked him whether he tried or not to search for that person, but his answer shocked me.”

“What?” Minki pushes himself forward, clearly intrigued by the story. “What did he say?”

“He said that; he didn’t.” Jonghyun smiles. “He didn’t search for them, because he respected their choice to not be found.”

As everyone dips into silence, all Seongwoo can think about is how stupid a human could sometimes be. If it were him, then he would have given his all to search for the love of his life until the end of the world. If it were him, he would fight for them, fight for their love no matter how many obstacles they would have to face in the future.

Because for Seongwoo, love is a strong word. Once you said that word, then it will stick to you for a lifetime and more. You can’t wash it off; it will leave a streak across your heart in the shape of something nameless and follows you until you die.

(So no, Seongwoo can’t understand why that stranger didn’t put even the slightest fight when that mark, that _love_ that scribed across his heart from a long time ago is still there, still exist.)

“Why?” Seongwoo blinks awake from his thoughts when Jihoon whispers, his voice is soft and full of wonder, and maybe a little bittersweet. “Why didn’t he fight for their happiness instead?

Seongwoo widens his eyes. They are thinking about the same thing, after all. It’s like their mind is connected by invisible strings. That thought pushes a fond smile across his face.

“Yeah, I was thinking about the same thing.” he nods at Jihoon. “It’s very cowardly of him to just accept everything and let them go. Why he couldn’t be more selfish towards himself?”

Responding to this, Jonghyun can only shrug his shoulders. “I don’t know, and maybe I would never know. Back then, I didn’t dare to ask him more, because he seemed so pitiful, so broken. But I want to think that it’s because he loved them.”

Seongwoo snorts. “That’s awfully cliché for you, Jongie. And personal. It’s not like you at all.”

“I guess.” The writer gives him a half-smile. “By creating my own interpretation of his story, I made another universe in which they finally found each other, even though it’s only for a restricted time. In my story, both of them were separated because of the stigma in society only to found each other again years later when they were old and married with a child of their own. Of course, they couldn’t have their own happy ending, but at least, the love inside themselves found each other in the end.”

Jonghyun pauses.

“It may sound foolish of me, but I want to give that stranger a clarity he seeks in the form of Jung Youngsoo and Kim Haneul, and in other words, the two of you.” he says while smiling softly. “Even though it’s not enough, even though I know it’s lacking, I want to give him an ending he deserves.”

The smile Jonghyun wears on his face is beautiful, but at the same time, it breaks his heart. Seongwoo holds his scratching words back, his mind suddenly thrown into a frenzy.

“That’s—” Jihoon opens his lips only to close them again, his eyes softening. “That’s really kind of you, hyung.”

Jonghyun chuckles and stretches his hand to ruffle Jihoon’s messy locks. “I wouldn’t say that, but thank you Jihoonie.”

“Honestly, my impression of that stranger is horrible.” Seongwoo says. “I don’t like his character at all, and to think that I’m going to act as Jung Youngsoo, your version of him in this story, is very laughable.”

Tilting his head to the side, Jonghyun hides a smile. “So you’re going to reject the role, then?”

Seongwoo clamps his mouth at the unexpected question. He knows what Jonghyun truly implied behind his words, but it doesn’t stop the thoughts from coming through. It’s not his first time to play lead for a true story screenplay, but to portray such a real and complex character, Seongwoo doesn’t know if he’s qualified enough to do so.

But then he notices Jihoon staring at him while biting his lower lips in nervousness. There is fear scattering behind his eyes, and that’s the moment he’s got his answer.

_There’s no way I could leave him behind, right?_

“No, I won’t.” Seongwoo starches his cheek. “I kinda like your version of him better, so I guess it’s fine.”

Daniel suddenly claps his hand. “Then let’s begin! We’re going to start by rehearsing a few lines, and when everything is already settled, we will start filming right away. So Jihoonie,” he pauses to give the younger a bright smile. “Mind starting?”

Jihoon blinks at the sudden exposure before he stands up and makes his way to the mini stage with shaky legs. Even though he tries to hide his growing nervousness and appear calm, it's clear as a day that he’s anything but. Seongwoo has almost rushed forward when Jihoon trips on his feet, but fortunately, he manages to balance himself right away.

“So, which part do you want to try, Jihoon?” Daniel asks him from his place at the near end of the stage. “Just choose whatever you like and show your best. I believe in you!”

“Um,” Jihoon shuffles on his feet before he looks at him shyly. “I think I’d like to try that part in which Haneul finds himself all alone without no one to support him after leaving Youngsoo.”

Nodding in approval, Daniel gives him a thumb up. Beside him, Jonghyun only smiles at him in encouragement, his hands gripping the scripts hard until his knuckles turn white. He knows that the writer must be nervous as hell, but he thinks Jihoon will do just fine.

Daniel smiles at Jihoon’s direction before he claps. “Action!”

Seongwoo expects waterworks or maybe a few quiet tears, then sorrowful dialogues here and there to complete the overall sadness, but Jihoon does none of them, and instead, he just stands there in complete silence.

“What—” Seongwoo frowns and turns to nudge Daniel hard in the shin. “What is he doing? Didn’t he read the script already?”

He sees Daniel creases his eyebrow in worry, but he doesn’t say a thing.

“Just wait for him.” Jonghyun’s eyes never once strayed from the stage. “I think he has something up his sleeves.”

Then, as if he’s being pulled, Jihoon drags himself forward until he is standing at the very back of the stage. He stays right there for a second too long before he moves again, this time to the left, away from their wandering eyes. Seongwoo crunches his nose in annoyance. He may like Jihoon as a person, but as an actor, he thinks that the younger is going too far with his abuse of the script, making him unconsciously harbor some kind of dislike to the boy.

But then, the feeling instantly disappears when Jihoon walks forward into the edge of the stage. His blank, round eyes zeroing into them in one sweep of motion. Seongwoo feels the chill crawling over his skin in waves when their eyes meet, the ends of his hair standing up in dread.

 “Why?” Jihoon finally speaks, but only in a whisper. “Why it has to be like this?”

Jihoon opens his mouth again as if he’s about to say something, his face distorting into that of grief-stricken before he clamps up and bows his head, his hand lacing themselves in front of his chest. His palms then begin to push, as if they are trying to pierce through his chest into a bloody mess.

“I don’t want to leave you, I don’t want to leave you at all so why—” he looks up to show them his face. “ _Why_ I couldn’t bear of staying with you anymore?”

After that sentence uttered, his lips meet each other quietly and silence rains down the room once more. Seongwoo looks at Jihoon’s unusual dusky eyes and finds himself soaking inside those tantalizing auburn orbs. But then, the sound of someone whisper-shouting startles Seongwoo from the abyss that is Park Jihoon’s eyes.

“Ya Choi Minki! What’s wrong with you?”

Seongwoo turns around to see a frantic Dongho pulling his hair in distress. In front of him, Minki sits with his head bowed low and hands fisting the edge of his chair until his knuckles turn white. He tries to see what kind of face that makes Dongho look like he’s going to burst into flame, but his platinum blonde hair is obscuring his face from sight.

But then, Seongwoo notices something shiny blinking in the distance.

_Is that tear?_

“It’s just,” he hears Minki hold back a choked sound, and Songwoo realizes that the older has been crying for a while now. “Don’t you see him? He looks so _sad_.”

Seongwoo breathes, turning around to catch Jihoon’s figure once more.

_Jihoon-ah…_

The young boy is still standing on shaking feet, eyes blank and unseeing. Every movement of his body is tinged with regret and self-condemnation, and every drop of sadness behind his eyes sweeping past them with the irresistible force of a tsunami.

(But there are no tears.)

“He doesn’t even say any of his assigned lines but _dammit,_ just looking at him _hurts_.” Minki chokes on his own words. “Fuck, why the tears won’t stop. My eyes are burning.”

Seongwoo finally gets a glimpse of Jihoon’s face and feels his eyes begin to water. There is something incredibly sad in the way Jihoon tips his head back to look into the ceiling, his throat contracting with every pull of his muscles. His movement is minimal, only a shake of his head and a twitch or two of his eyes. The line of lips is quivering just like his fingers, and even though the tears are already gathering at the corner of his eyes, he does not cry.

The young actor bites his bottom lip as if refusing to shed any. As if he is silently weeping, as if he is throwing a tantrum, as if he is screaming at the top of his lungs; that one expression he wears right now explains it all.

Seongwoo shuts his eyes, and suddenly his ears are flooded with sounds. A lot kind of them in many forms and frequencies, but he can definitely pick up the sound of someone calling for help.

 _Save me, please save me from this hell_ ; it sounds just like that.

Opening his eyes in shock, Seongwoo breathes harshly. It feels like someone is crushing his lungs and setting them on fire. The feeling in his chest is suffocating, and it’s all because of this boy in front of him.

Jihoon certainly doesn't hold the stage for the last ten minutes.

 _He_ is the stage itself.

“How—” Seongwoo pauses. “How could he do that?”

From his right, Daniel only smiles at him, his eyes never leave Jihoon’s figure even for a second. Something is lurking behind his eyes; something unknown and nameless.

“Do you understand why I hired him now?” he whispers. “The kid is a fucking genius.”

 

 

* * *

 _lesson four;_  
acting is a question of absorbing other people's personalities,

* * *

}{

 

 

Jihoon notices that Seongwoo has been throwing him this particular weird looks for a while. He doesn’t know when it began, but he thinks it’s right after their first rehearsal. Despite the awkwardness between them though, Seongwoo still treats him normally.

(Well, as normal as he could get. It’s been only two months, after all, Jihoon doesn’t know him enough to determine anything about his personality.)

They finally begin to film on Saturday morning, and despite the growing concern over Seongwoo’s behavior, Jihoon tries his best to deliver his role with much enthusiasm. Currently, they are filming the scene where Youngsoo and Haneul meet for the first time in a small theater by the outskirt. Jihoon had read the passage a hundred times, maybe even more than that, and he still couldn’t get over how whimsical the entire setting sounds like.

(Jihoon likes it, though. There is something strikingly familiar about the encounter, like he’d heard about it before somewhere. Like a story that drifted from place to place, he thinks that’s the kind of familiarity it has.)

In this version of the story, Jung Youngsoo is an aspiring musical actor, and Kim Haneul is just a bystander who loves music with all his might. After their first meeting, the two of them continue to see each other in many musicals after that, and as cliché as it sounds, they begin to fall in love. Haneul is a naturally shy, but very affectionate person. To Youngsoo whose life fills with heartache, Haneul is like a fresh breath of air, the first touch of flower when spring comes.

(Jihoon doesn’t sure if he can portray such an interesting character, but he will try his best.)

“Excuse me.” Jihoon says softly in his portrayal of Haneul. He waits for Seongwoo to absorb his own portrayal of Youngsoo, watching as the older’s expression morphs into something different; something unfamiliar. “Do you know when will the musical begin?”

“Why, of course, I do. In fact, it’s going to start in a few minutes.” Seongwoo crouches a little to equate their height. Ah, no. It’s not Seongwoo who’s talking to him right now, but Youngsoo. “I wasn’t expecting such a young face around here though. Are you a newcomer?”

“Uhmm, yes. I guess I am.” Jihoon begins to fiddle with his fingers, his eyes downcast. “Am I really obvious?”

“No,” Jihoon sucks his breath when Seongwoo unexpectedly puts his fingers under his chin then pushes until their eyes lock. Looks like it’s not only him who likes to improve. “But you should pay attention to the person you’re talking to, little stranger.”

Jihoon blushes really hard, and he doesn’t know whether it’s from acting or the actual tight feeling resides inside his chest. “Ah, I’m sorry about that.”

“No problem.” Seongwoo flashes him a smile, and Jihoon is too amazed by the perfectness of his face to smile in return. “Care to tell me your name, hm? Or do you prefer little stranger more?”

“My name is Kim Haneul!” he says a little too quickly to mask his nervousness. “And no, don’t call me like that. It sounds cheesy.”

“Cheesy, you said.” Seongwoo chuckles. “So, Kim Haneul-ssi is it? My name is Youngsoo, Jung Youngsoo. Looking at your face, you must be younger than me so you have to call me hyung!”

At that, Jihoon internally smiles. Even when he’s acting, Seongwoo still pours a little of himself in his role, making his portrayal real and alive.

The younger is about to retort when he’s suddenly shoved to the side, his body losing its balance and about to slam onto the hard pavement below.

Jihoon closes his eyes and braces himself for the upcoming impact, but strangely, he doesn’t feel any pain.

_How?_

“Hey, are you okay?” someone’s breath is fanning his face. Jihoon groans, cracking his eyelids open one by one. “Does something broken? Jihoon-ah?”

If he could feel his legs, Jihoon would have jumped in shock. Seongwoo's face is only an inch away from him, hovering over his own, their lips almost touching.

“I’m f-fine.” he breathes out. “What happened?”

“I don’t know.” After making sure that he’s alright, Soengwoo pulls himself up and offers his hand for him to take. On an impulse, he laces their fingers together and lets his body being pulled up by the older. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Cut!”

From afar, Jihoon hears the loud clack of the clapperboard in someone’s hands echoing inside his ears. Jihoon prepares himself then, taking in a breath that is too long and forced and feels his lungs bloat up with an endless supply of air.

“Yah! Are you two okay? Did you hurt yourself?”

“Is someone hurt?! Please bring them here!”

“Two lamps are damaged! Someone, please fix the mess!”

The rest of the afternoon is filled with panicked shouts and constant fussing. Fortunately, it’s only a small accident, and no one is hurt badly, so they will continue filming as soon as everything is fixed. Jihoon lets Seongwoo guides him into his trailer with a heavy heart. It’s only the first day, and yet he has already ruined everything.

“It’s not your fault, you know.” he flinches back when Seongwoo pushes a cold bottle of water against his cheek. “There’s no way you could have predicted that a lamp would fall in your direction. It’s an accident, so get those stupid thoughts away from your head.”

“I didn’t—” Jihoon sighs when Seongwoo raises his brow at him, clearly challenging him to say more. “I’m sorry… I’m just nervous.”

“It’s okay to be nervous, but don’t ever blame yourself for something like this.” Seongwoo says sternly as if he’s trying to drill the words into his mind. “I really hate a weak-hearted people, so please be more selfish towards yourself.”

“I don’t know how,” mumbles Jihoon. A slight twinge of hurt forms in his chest when he hears those words, but he casts it aside. “I’m—I’m still not used to the atmosphere. Everything is too… I don’t know, surreal?”

Seongwoo’s eyes soften. “For the first time, then yes. But as you grow, you wouldn’t feel any of that emotion anymore.”

“Is it hard, hyung?” Jihoon asks. “To be an actor?”

There is silence threading over the air around them, but then Seongwoo ruffles his head, mouth curving into a smile.

“No, it’s not.” answers him. “To keep being an actor, that’s the real struggle.”

“Ah,” Jihoon pauses. “I’d never thought about it that way before…”

“Well, I have to say that you don’t have to worry about that,” Seongwoo says with a soft smile. “Let’s make this movie hit daebak, shall we?”

Jihoon blinks, then a smile appears on his face.

“Yes, hyungnim!”

 

 

* * *

_and adding some of your own experience.  
_

* * *

}{

 

 

Seongwoo thinks that Jihoon is an adult with a temperament of a child.

Like, literally.

Shaking his head fondly, he picks up a tissue and dabs it into the corner of Jihoon’s lips. In turn, the younger only grins his adorably sheepish smile and continues munching his chocolate flavored cereal eagerly. Seongwoo sighs and rests his face in his palm, watching Jihoon with soft eyes.

 _Seriously_ _this kid._

After their almost-accident from three months ago, the two of them has become closer naturally. If the first two months were filled with awkwardness, then the next three months were nothing but. Now Seongwoo understands Daniel’s insistence to send Jihoon living with him until the end of filming. He must have foreseen it somehow, and Seongwoo couldn’t be more grateful to him.

Not only it affects their chemistry on screen, but their change in dynamic also affects them off screen. Jihoon doesn’t walk on eggshells around him anymore, his smile becomes less shy, and in return, Seongwoo opens himself for more interaction with the younger boy, finding himself craving his lovely smile and soft giggle every few seconds.

Seongwoo begins with the little things, like asking him to have breakfast together, smuggling him snacks and drinks randomly in the middle of the night. He even joins the younger watching his own drama in the living room and even bawls loudly when he sees his own character dying in a pool of blood.

(That last scene is really dramatic and packed with feels so, yeah, don’t blame him. Besides, Seongwoo knows that he could cry a river and still looks like a runway model, so bawling is no threat to his handsomeness.)

Leaning back, Seongwoo continues to admire Jihoon from near. It’s one of their day off, and because both of them weren’t fond of the idea of spending it outside, they decided to have a movie marathon instead with ice creams and popcorns and drinks to complete their night.

Seongwoo thinks watching movie with Jihoon has become a sacred routine that he can’t seem to decline. Because every time the younger looks at him with his big, starry eyes, Seongwoo’s mind can’t warp enough words to form a rejection, so he always settles with a simple nod.

_Well, anything to see that bright smile on his face._

“Hyung,” Jihoon calls him between a mouthful of cereal. “Aren’t you curious about that stranger?”

Seongwoo blinks at him. “Huh?”

“The stranger from Jonghyun-hyung’s story.” he gulps down, reaching for his milk beside the plate. “I mean, I would have like to meet him in person and ask more about his significant other. I want to hear about this Kim Haneul directly from his mouth.”

“But Jonghyun said that they didn’t contact each other after that, right?” asks Seongwoo. “It’s only a one-time thing. Besides, his version and Jonghyun’s version of Haneul must be very different.”

“How so?” Jihoon tilts his head. “I wouldn’t say that. They must be similar in many ways.”

“You heard what Jonghyun said yesterday, right?” he snatches Jihoon’s spoon from him to shovel some of his cereal into his mouth. “[tacenda] is an alternate universe he created for that stranger. Of course, it’ll be very different from the real thing.”

Jihoon pouts when Seongwoo doesn’t give his spoon back. “I guess you’re right… but I want to believe that their feelings were connected somehow. It really took a lot to share your painful memories to another people after all, moreover to a stranger.”

“You seem to know a lot about this thing.” Seongwoo scrapes another spoon of cereal and brings it close to Jihoon’s mouth, raising his brow. He smiles when the younger catches his message and open his mouth to let the food in. “Do you have any painful memory to share?”

Jihoon pauses in his chewing, his usually bright eyes now dull and overcast. Something is lurking behind those eyes, something abstract and nameless, something he couldn’t put his finger on.

“Hey, are you okay?” Seongwoo pushes himself from his seat to plop down beside Jihoon. “Did I say something wrong?”

“Hm-mh.” shaking his head, Jihoon turns to give him a smile. “I just suddenly reminded of someone.”

“Who?” Seongwoo curses inwardly when the question stumbles across his tongue without him knowing. “I mean—Uh, you don’t have to answer.”

“It’s fine, hyung.” Jihoon says, giggling quietly. “Don’t look so scared. I won’t bite.”

The younger ends his sentence with his impression of a wolf, but instead of making him look scary, it turns him into this adorable baby pup. Seongwoo thinks his heart might leap out from its place up his throat from the excessive cuteness.

_Bite me, Jihoon-ah. Just bite me._

When he realizes how perverted his mind has become, Seongwoo slams his head into the countertop multiple times in hope to shoo those offending thoughts away.

“Hyung!” exclaims Jihoon in shock, eyes rounding into Seongwoo’s hunched form. “What are you doing? You’re going to hurt yourself!”

Seongwoo can only shut his eyes and groan when Jihoon’s hand moves to touch his swelling forehead. The cold fingertips upon his skin feel heavenly, and they soothe down the jolting pain in seconds.

“Why are you so reckless hyung.” he hears Jihoon grumbles under his breath. “See? It’s going to bruise. I can’t believe you at all.”

“Sorry.” Seongwoo winces when one of Jihoon’s finger applies too much pressure upon his skin. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“Serves you right.” Jihoon huffs. “Now wait here, I’m going to bring you some ice.”

Just before Jihoon can leave, Seongwoo grips his hand tight between his fingers, stopping him in his place.

“No, I’m okay,” he whispers. “Just continue with whatever you’re doing. It feels really good, Jihoon-ah.”

Jihoon blushes at that, but he sits back in his chair, pressing his fingers once more against Seongwoo’s swelling skin. Carefully, he massages the patch of skin around the bruise with his skillful hands. Seongwoo can feel the pain lessening by seconds, and he smiles gratefully at the younger.

“I think it’s going to be okay once you get some ice to soothe down the swell,” Jihoon nods to himself cutely. “Then the last touch—”

**_Cup!_ **

Seongwoo opens his eyes in shock when Jihoon’s lips suddenly collide with his skin.

“There!” exclaims Jihoon proudly. “Now the pain will be gone completely.”

Silence.

Jihoon tilts his head. “Hyung? What’s wrong?”

A pause.

“Jihoon-ah,” he calls him, eyes blank. “Did you just kiss me?”

His answer comes in the form of shaking pupils and gaping mouth, and the next thing Seongwoo knows Jihoon is gone from his sight.

_Shit._

 

 

* * *

 _lesson_ _five:_  
acting is half shame, half glory.

* * *

}{

 

 

_What have I done?_

As soon as Jihoon reaches his room, he dives straight under the cover of his bed in a whirlwind of pink pajamas and sanguine cheeks. Pressing his sweaty palms against his scorching face, he quashes the last of his embarrassment down the drain in. The image of Seongwoo’s surprised and hesitant eyes still fresh inside his mind.

_Oh god, how could I be so dumb?_

For the next three hours, Jihoon literally merges himself against the soft material of his blanket, refusing to acknowledge anything besides his soft breathing. Even though it’s hard, he keeps silent throughout his breakdown, not wanting to alert the other occupant of the luxurious condo with his excessive screaming. Jihoon isn’t ready to confront the other after all.

He stares blankly at the dull white ceiling and contemplates on what kind of face he should wear. But before he can determine his choice, a knock suddenly echoes behind his door, startling him from his thoughts.

“Hey, it’s time, Jihoon-ah.” Seongwoo says against the wood, his deep voice seeping over the slight gap between its hinges. “Come on, the movie is about to start.”

Jihoon thinks his heart actually stops beating for a second there. He takes a few deep breaths, willing himself to not burst into hysteria.

“Oi,” he calls again, this time louder and more demanding. “I know you heard me, just come out already from your hideout.”

Groaning into his pillow, Jihoon mulls over his current predicament.

_Should I go?_

He twists his head to look at the door, frowning.

_Should I stay?_

“Park Jihoon, don’t make me repeat it twice.” Jihoon yelps when Seongwoo’s voice drops a few octaves from its usually exuberant tone. “Out, _now._ ”

At that command, Jihoon immediately launches himself off the bed, his feet forcing themselves into his fluffy slippers. He runs with all his might to the door and opens it with much vigor only to be faced against Seongwoo.

The senior actor raises his brow at him. “You must have such a very good time rolling on your bed.” he says, lips twitching into a smile. “Should’ve asked me to join.”

Jihoon blinks, his mind still in limbo. But a few seconds later his face blazes bright red, his hand busy pushing his wild tangerine locks down his head. Because he’s too embarrassed by his messy state, Jihoon doesn’t realize that Seongwoo has taken a step forward that they are almost touching. On impulse, he’s about to retreat back into his room, but Seongwoo’s long fingers in his hair render him still.

“Wait, let me fix that for you.” Seongwoo parts his hair, gently untying all the tangle which formed from all the turning and scuffing he did on the bed. His movement is gentle, almost flaccid, and when his cold fingertips brush against his scalp, Jihoon has to bite his bottom lip to keep from moaning out loud.

“There.” Jihoon breathes out when the sensation suddenly leaves his head. “Now, come on. No more playing hide and seek, okay? You promised me to watch that movie together.”

“Yes, hyungnim.” he murmurs.

Seongwoo frowns. “What did you call me again?”

“Eh? I—I mean Seongwoo-hyung!”

“That’s good. No addressing me with that boring suffix.” he tuts and proceeds to pat Jihoon’s head three times. “Just hyung is enough.”

They arrive at the living room in five minutes. Seongwoo ushers the younger to sit down before he simpers off into the kitchen. He then emerges with two cups of ice creams and a bowl of popcorn, and also a plastic full of snacks hanging off his arm. After dumping them all into Jihoon’s awaiting arms, Seongwoo settles on beside the younger on the couch, tucking himself against the arm and folding one leg on the cushion.

"I’m sorry about earlier.” Seongwoo suddenly says, but his head doesn’t turn around to address Jihoon properly. “I was just surprised. I didn’t mean to startle you or something.”

Hearing that sentence straight from Seongwoo’s mouth undoubtedly makes him feel relieved. Jihoon sighs then, pulling his knees into his chest before he rests his head on them. “Um, it’s ok okay hyung. It’s my own fault for not thinking beforehand. I just—well, it’s how my mother always treated my wounds so I unconsciously… yeah.”

“That’s really sweet of your mother.” This time Seongwoo does turn around to give him a gentle smile. “She must be a very affectionate person.”

“Yeah,” Jihoon pauses, his teeth knock against the wall of his pressed lips. The image of his mother smiling flashes suddenly before his eyes. “I guess she is, but—”

Seongwoo frowns at his sudden change in tone but says nothing.

“But, she could be very scary when she’s mad.” Jihoon continues as he faces Seongwoo with eyes that seem distant. It’s like he sees something only he could. “It’s only for a little though, she would hold my brother and me again a second later.” he continues, voice childlike. “And she… she is really warm.”

“Your mother sounds very nice.” Seongwoo murmurs. “It must be great to have her by your side all this time.”

Jihoon smiles. “Hmm, you’re right. I’m very lucky to have someone like her in my life.”

By his silence, Jihoon can tell that Even though he says this with a smile, his expression is nothing but. Feeling responsible for this, he faces Seongwoo and offers him the brightest grin he can muster. Seongwoo only looks at him then, his lips pressing themselves together, but his eyes are soft and gentle. Jihoon thinks it’s enough for now, so he turns back to stare at the tv, the nagging feeling in his chest still present.

They fall into silence when the movie starts rolling, the once blank screen now flickers into life. From what he heard, the movie is tragic with a hint of romance. The storyline eerily resembles [tacenda] with the separations and stigmas that Jihoon gets a little suspicious of Seongwoo’s insistence to watch it.

Jihoon has to admit that the plot is okay though, if not beautiful and very heart-wrenching. It manages to drown him inside the storyline, the realness of the acting and their capability to snatch his attention with only a twitch of finger really intrigues him.

But then comes the sex scene, accompanied by moans of pleasures here and there and Jihoon feels his face burning up from the blatant exposure of skins. Even though he expects to see something like this, it doesn’t mean that he’s comfortable with the whole thing yet. Just like his mother and brother had said before, he’s still a child by heart despite his age.

“Your entire face looks like a fresh-picked tomato.” Seongwoo says beside him, his lips tugging in a slight grin. “I understand about the sex, but kissing? You haven’t kissed before, Jihoon-ah?”

“I—” Jihoon clamps down, his eyes downcast and lips curling into a pout. Why Seongwoo has to ask such a sensitive thing? “I haven’t…”

A pause, then;

“Seriously?” Jihoon looks up to see Seongwoo blinking at him in surprise. “You haven’t had your first kiss yet?”

“No. I haven’t k-kissed before.” he bites out, trying so hard to not whine. He doesn’t like this topic at all. No, scratch that he loathes it. “Ugh, just forget about it hyung. Let’s just watch.”

“B-But—Jihoon-ah, in our script – uh, you know.” Seongwoo scratches his cheek in a bashful manner. “You know that there is a kiss scene, right?”

That, finally stops Jihoon completely.

_Ohmygod I completely forget about that._

“Y-Yes…” he chokes out, mind swirling in hysteria. How could he be so stupid and forget about it? He must have looked like a total idiot right now. “I know hyung…”

_Mom, I told you to feed me more proteins…_

He is about to burst into tears when Seongwoo opens his mouth again;

“Then, shall we practice it?”

Jihoon does a double take.

_I must have heard wrong, right?_

“Huh?”

“Kissing,” Seongwoo pauses to give him a side glance. There is something dark and heavy about his gaze. “Shall we give it a try?”

For a few seconds, Jihoon just looks at him, utterly and thoroughly dumbfounded by his bold suggestion. He gulps down, thinking that the older is only joking and waits for everything to unfold. But there’s no smirk, no grin, no boisterous laugh.

(Nothing. Zero. Nix. Zilch. Yada.)

Now, Jihoon knows that Seongwoo is serious with his words and feels his nervousness grows in size.

_Should I go along with it?_

“O-Okay.” Jihoon forces the word out with much difficulty. “I—Anything t-to make our movie hit d-daebak, right?”

“Yeah,” the way Seongwoo agrees with him is a bit weird. “Anything for the movie.”

To put it bluntly, it’s awkward. They are super awkward with each other despite the current intimacy. Jihoon is blushing hard like a teenage school girl but Seongwoo is not – _dammit –_ and he wants to scream at the top of his lungs at the unfairness of its all.

“Relax, Jihoon-ah.” Seongwoo breathes. “You look like you’re about to burst. Your face is so damn red.”

“W-Well I’m trying!” he whines. “It’s my f-first-time hyung. Please be more understanding.”

“I am.” he nods. Seongwoo pushes himself closer that now he’s caging Jihoon against the couch, his body settles between the younger’s legs. “Just follow my lead.”

Their position is a bit uncomfortable, so Seongwoo leans back and pulls Jihoon into him that he’s straddling his hips instead. Jihoon lets out a loud squeak at the sudden change but otherwise, doesn’t show any complain even though his heart feels like it’s about to jump up his throat.

Seongwoo’s breath fans his lips. Jihoon can smell peppermint and fresh clove and tries to tone down his heartbeat. But then the older moves his head forward until their noses touch, and ever so slowly, he tilts his head to connect their mouth together.

Then, come the butterflies.

Jihoon doesn’t think that a kiss could be this, _this_ chimerical. He doesn’t have enough words to describe the feeling of Seongwoo’s lips across his, but he thinks if there is a word to describe it, it would be chimerical. Something unfounded and imaginary, something, he couldn’t help but grasp into his heart.

At the beginning, the kiss is small; just a quick brush of skin upon skin, but then Seongwoo begins to press their mouth together, and it turns into something big and suffocating and downright indescribable.

“Hey,” Seongwoo leans back only to connect their foreheads together. “You okay there?”

Jihoon doesn’t trust his voice, so he just nods at him and tries to hide his face by looking down. But then, Seongwoo pushes his chin up by his index finger and connects their lips for the second time that day.

_Why…_

So Jihoon relents to the heat that burning red and bright, letting Seongwoo lulls his mind into a static and wonders if every kiss supposes to feel like this.

_Why my heart is beating so fast?_

 

 

* * *

 _shame_ _at exhibiting yourself, glory when you can forget yourself._

* * *

 }{

 

 

It’s the last day of filming, and despite the growing tension, everything folds out smoothly.

Seongwoo smiles and closes his eyes. He wouldn’t have thought that acting in this movie could be his most satisfying experience ever considering their starting point. Not that everything has been rainbows and sunshine, but it’s definitely better than his first prediction. Working with his closest friends has been a bonus of course, but acting with Jihoon undoubtedly is the jackpot.

They finish all the scenes in one take and boy, does Daniel ever look so elated. The older has almost smacked his lips upon each their cheeks in overflowing gratitude. Seongwoo, of course, denies his advance and plants his version of _kiss_ upon Daniel’s cheek, urging Jihoon to do the same. But because he doesn’t have even one mean bone in him, Jihoon settles with an exasperated smile, patting their director’s swelling cheek in sympathy.

Nearing the end of filming, Seongwoo notices that everyone has become quiet. Then he realizes that after this, the probability of them seeing each other again is scarce, the thought makes him feel uncomfortable. That’s why after all the crews had assembled out into their respective trailers, they fall into a light discussion as for how to spend their last time together.

“Should we go to the arcade?” Jihoon suggests excitedly, “The park? Or maybe we should go that new circus opened in town!”

“Hold your horses, Jihoonie.” Seongwoo pinches his cheek, earning a pout from the younger boy. “Why are you so excited anyway?”

From the side, Jonghyun chuckles at their cute antics. “Aigoo, you remind me so much of my nephew back home. You’re really excited to play, hm?”

“I’m not a child, hyung.” Jihoon pouts in response. “I just want to celebrate our last day with happy memories!”

“What about the amusement park, Jihoonie?” suggests Daniel. “It’s been too long since I’ve gone to one.”

“That's a very good idea!” Jihoon turns to nod at Daniel, there is a spark in his eyes. “I want to ride the ferriswheel~”

Jonghyun laughs, shaking his head fondly. He pats his clothes from imaginary dust before he stands up. “You kids go then. Remember to have fun alright?”

“Hyung, you’re not coming with us?” Jihoon asks, crestfallen. “Why?”

“I’m sorry, Jihoonie.” The writer says apologetically. “Minhyun and I need to go somewhere today, so we can’t join you kids. Don’t worry, I will treat you ice cream tomorrow, how’s that sound?”

“Really hyung?” Jihoon eyes brighten up almost immediately. He gives the older a wide grin, full row of teeth on display. “Okay then! Have fun with Minhyun-hyung on your date!”

That sentence renders Jonghyun into a blubbering mess. “N-No, Jihoon-ah don’t misunderstand it’s not—”

“It’s definitely a date, Jihoon-ah.” Minhyun suddenly appears behind Jonghyun, his arms circling around the latter in a loose bound and begin to tug him away to the direction of his car, waving them goodbye. “We will go now! See you tomorrow~”

“Bye hyung~” Jihoon waves back eagerly. “Have fun on your date!”

Seongwoo stares after them, snorting in disgust, but his eyes hold a certain fondness. “Why those two… Minhyun better be treating me to ice cream too, or I’m going to expose his darkest secret to Jonghyun.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” Daniel smirks at him. “Minhyun will skin you alive before you could even open your mouth and you know it.”

“Yep. Just wanting to say it once.” Seongwoo shudders. “My experience with his homicide is too many to be count. My mother raised no fool, don’t worry.”

“Aw, Jongie-hyung and Minhyun-hyung look really good together.” Jihoon says excitedly while patting his flushed cheeks. It seems like he’s completely entranced by the couple that he didn’t notice their conversation at all. “Someday I want to find someone who treats me like Minhyun-hyung treats Jonghyun-hyung too!”

Seongwoo and Daniel blink, looking at Jihoon in silence before they turn to catch each other eyes. Almost immediately, they shift their head away.

_What? What’s with this atmosphere?_

Seongwoo clears his throat. “So, should we go now?”

His answer comes in the form of Jihoon’s eager nods and Daniel’s grin. They walk into the direction of his car before driving off to the amusement park. The entire time they spend inside fills with tons of laughter and obnoxious screeches.

 _Lotte world_ is at its usual busy state with the clutter of people making their own noises here and there and the endless tapping of hectic footsteps. Well, Seongwoo doesn’t expect anything less of the most famous amusement park in the heart of Seoul. Though the building is a perfect combination of an indoor and outdoor theme park, the golden sunlight still manages to spill over the curtained roof, scattering bright stripes on the asphalt pavement as they walk inside.

The indoor adventure park consists of a great ice-skating rink and various rides and attractions that lay around its perimeters. There are also many other shops, food, and activities inside the park that are divided into themes of several countries around the globe. The three of them waste no time to make their way to its unique seasonal attractions and stop by to watch the live music performances.

After laughing at how bad Daniel’s at ice skating, they venture out to try the infamous _Gyro Drop_ and _Gyro Swing_ , since nobody wants to leave the place without a taste of its best rides. They even went along Jihoon’s whim to try _Flume Ride_ and the _Spanish Pirate Ship_ , but then decide that such exciting thrills are not good for their health.

(Seongwoo will never forget the experience of being launched off from unbelievable heights, nor the chalk-white of Daniel’s face. Jihoon even shakes his head in silent repentance and swears loudly that he would never, _ever_ ride them again.)

Jihoon wants to try the infamous Lotte’s ice cream, but sadly there’s none left by the time they finished playing. If not for Seongwoo’s promise to treat him some later, the younger wouldn’t have budged from the cozy shop. They settle on donuts and lattes then, much to Jihoon’s and Daniel’s pleasures.

Now, they are about to enjoy the last attraction; the Ferris wheel. Daniel has gone ahead to check whether they have opened the line or not, so it leaves Seongwoo and Jihoon sitting on the bench while munching on their snacks. After two minutes of ridiculous food war and Jihoon’s constant whining because Seongwoo keeps on snatching his snack, they lapse into silence. Each of them enjoying the calm stillness that is created between them.

Seongwoo closes his eyes before he opens them again, and suddenly his vision is bombarded with fields of green and sunset. Seongwoo hasn't been this far away from his condo before, this being his first experience since god knows how long. Albeit the fact that he’s currently dressed like a thief; with his dark jacket and mask over his face, to be able to experience such a thing is worth it.

Next to him, Jihoon hums to himself happily while kicking his feet in the air. The full, sincere smile upon his face is hard to miss, and Seongwoo finds himself smiling along with him. But then, the happiness melts into water when he realizes that this probably would be his last time seeing that smile.

(Would be the last time they could spend time with each other. And it makes something inside him clench in displeasure.)

The feeling reminds him of the last scene they filmed a few hours ago. It’s where Youngsoo and Haneul have to part ways after not seeing each other for so long. Even though he’s confident in his ability to divide his portrayal from himself, Seongwoo could tell that the bitterness that he felt back then was real. The one who cried after letting Haneul – _Jihoon_ – go wasn’t Youngsoo, but himself.

(Seongwoo realizes then. He doesn’t want to be separated from Jihoon at all.)

The feeling is suffocating. So he unbuckles his coat and mask off, leaving only his striped long-sleeved shirt and black pants, thinking that no one would notice him in the dark.

“Aren’t you sad? This is our last day to be together after all.” Seongwoo blurts out. “You will be back into your apartment, and I will stay at mine. There will be no more making breakfast together, or watching dramas while eating that ice creams you love so much, or—”

He pauses.

“Or, what?” Jihoon asks, tilting his head cutely. “Hyung?”

_Kissing you._

“No, it’s nothing,” he says sheepishly. “Just forget about it.”

“Hyung,” Jihoon cuts him off and turns to look at him, his feet dangling off the chair he’s sitting on. “Would you remember me when I’m gone?”

Seongwoo blinks. “Huh?”

“When we part ways, would you still remember me? This boy that lacks so many things, that loves to binge watch your dramas in one go, that obsesses with ice creams and plushies—” Jihoon pauses. “Would you still remember me?”

“I will,” Seongwoo says firmly. “What even are you talking about? There’s no way that I can forget you.”

Jihoon pauses, before a grin appears on his face. “Then no! I’m not sad!”

Hearing that sentence renders him still. Seongwoo licks his dry lips.

_Why? Am I really that undesirable for you?_

“Because there will be a plenty time in the future, hyung.” Jihoon tells him instead. “You should prepare yourself because I will not take no for an answer. And—”

“JIHOON-AH! HYUNG!” Daniel hollers from a distance. “It has started! Hurry up!”

"Ne! Just wait for me hyung!" Jihoons replies loudly, then turns back to face the young actor in silence. "Seongwoo-hyungnim." he calls. “Ah, it’s not that.”

He giggles, his eyes bright and sparkling.

“Seongwoo… hyung, am I right?”

Though the younger calls him in an overly quiet voice, Seongwoo can capture the strain of his baritone clearly inside his ears.

"The time we spent together is really fun. So no, I won’t be sad because I will always remember the happy memories we shared. Even if we part ways, even if talking to you will become difficult, I won’t go anywhere, hyung." he whispers, a smile is bright and true across his face. "I will be right here, waiting for you. And when the time comes again, surely…”

His sentence is left unfinished. Jihoon lets out a light giggle, his eyes crinkling with mirth and happiness.

“Do you know hyung? Meeting you is one of the most beautiful moments in my life, and I will do anything to recreate it back." he whispers, his smile continues to grow. "And I’m still waiting for that promise to treat me ice cream! So you better not forget, alright?"

His smile is now complete with rows of white teeth and crinkled eyes. Jihoon lets their eyes lock for a few seconds before he turns around and runs after Daniel who has almost reached the queue of the Ferris wheel. And at that moment, Seongwoo doesn’t know why his chest suddenly feels warm, like a small fire is burning within his rib cage and warming him from the inside.

_How could you smile at me like that?_

The warmth feels strange to him who is already accustomed to cold, but Seongwoo finds himself receiving the warmth with open arms.

“How could you do that?" murmurs Seongwoo while staring at the sky full of stars with sadness. He notices that night has fallen now, the moon gleaming bright over his head. "How could you easily say things like that? Don’t say things you don’t mean because—"

Seongwoo closes his eyes slowly, before opening them again. In the distance, he sees Jihoon’s back getting farther and farther away from him.

_—you will regret it._

Seongwoo wants to scream, to say something, or maybe waves his arms and tells him that; _no, please don’t be so kind to me_ – but his roaring heart is muting his voice at every beat. With a trembling hand, the actor wipes his face several times before he breathes and breathes and _breathes_ again until his lungs are wet and full.

From his peripheral vision, Seongwoo follows the light in which Jihoon’s small form stands; still with his head half-bowed, hands darting in anxiety, staring at the younger who always haunts every inch in his dream. Without he realizes, a bittersweet smile blooms on his pale face.

Acting has always taken everything from him. His family, his friends, his time, his happiness. It had taken the person he’d once loved too because of its ugliness. Seongwoo truly loves acting, but at the same time, he hates it with every fiber of his being.

(But acting; it has also brought Jihoon into his doorsteps. It has brought him happiness again in return of his tears, so how could he hate it anymore?)

"Stupid boy," whispers Seongwoo. "How could you say something like that and expect me to not fall in love with you?"

The sound of fireworks breaks in the distance. Seongwoo takes the first step. Then second, then third, fourth, fifth—

_I think I love you, Jihoonie._

—ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth, then stops.

_Can I love you?_

Seongwoo pulls Jihoon close by wrenching his hand and ignores the surprised shriek he lets out before he presses their lips together. When he tastes Jihoon’s soft, sweet lips Seongwoo finally forgets the burden he has been carrying, and for the first time in forever, he can smile sincerely.

_Please let me love you, Park Jihoon._

As the sunset dips into the horizon, all Seongwoo can hear is Jihoon’s soft whines against his bitten lips. He stops a moment to appreciate the way he writhes beneath him, eyes and skin burning with want. The way halogen light falls on his nose and highlights the slope of his cheeks and pretty face. The way his eyelashes slowly follow his eyelids and kiss the patch of skin above his cheekbones drives Seongwoo crazy.

And when their lips met again for the second time, he tastes peach and heavy rain on his tongue. He swallows every moan and whine from his mouth and thinks about how ethereal the younger looks with his flushed skin and starry eyes under the blooming colors of the bursting sky.

He reckons that nothing comes close to this picture he’s seeing right now. Not even—

Seongwoo stops, his heart skidding into a halt.

“H-Hyungnim?” he hears Jihoon whispers softly. “What are you..?”

(He suddenly remembers the love that he had long forgotten.)

Seongwoo runs.

_What have I done?_

 

 

* * *

 _lesson_ _six:  
acting is all about honesty._

* * *

}{

 

 

“Oh my god.” Woojin hollers. “If you dare to sigh one more time, _one more time_ you hear me, I will fucking burn every single one of your pink blobs and dance on their ashes while blasting Seo Taiji’s Feel the Soul.” he says in one breath. “How’s that, huh?”

Jihoon glares at him and starts stuffing his face with more ice cream.

“Oi, don’t stare me like that.” His brother shivers. “Yah stop it!”

Pouting, the older huffs into the large bowl in his laps and begins to lament about his current predicament. After their – insert a blush here – unexpected kiss, Seongwoo had left him standing like an idiot with a bewildered Daniel towing behind. The famous actor had disappeared from their sight in a matter of seconds without a word in a flurry of panicked strides. Jihoon could only gulp his galloping heart back into his chest then, shaking himself from his stupor before he dragged Daniel with him from further embarrassment.

He stabs the caramel flavored ice cream with his spoon in sudden anger.

_Curse him and his stupid moles!_

“Yah Park Jihoon! Stop stabbing the poor food and start eating it instead!”

The thing was, Seongwo didn’t even try to contact him after that, leaving him all confused by the sudden radio silence. It makes him really angry and sad at the same time, the feelings blurring into one indescribable awareness that yeah, they kissed, and yeah, Seongwoo has been ignoring him for a week.

A fucking week.

_I hope he trips on his ridiculously long legs and dies in pe—no peace!_

“No, don’t. Stop talking. Or stop thinking.” Woojin slaps him across the arm, startling Jihoon from his thoughts. “You don’t have any bad bones in you, so please just stick with your fluffy little self, okay?”

“Who are you calling fluffy you asshat!” Jihoon jumps from his position on the couch to launch himself at Woojin while screaming bloody murder. “Come here you little prick!”

After attempting murder to his own kin, Jihoon plops back into the couch and starts curling to himself. He feels really pitiful right now and beating up Woojin hasn’t even made a dent through his pent-up misery.

“Jihoon, come on.” he feels Woojin tugging at his feet. “Don’t be like this. That stupid actor is a jerk anyway. Don’t torture yourself over his ungrateful ass.”

“I want to forget about him, but I can’t! It’s like trying to forget the best taste of ice cream ever you know?” Jihoon smacks Woojin when he looks at him in disgust at that particular idiom. “Ugh, you would never understand my feeling.”

“Stop being dramatic.” he rolls his eyes and pulls him into a side hug. “You’re too good for him anyway.”

They fall into silence after that with Woojin threading his fingers among Jihoon’s wild locks. Jihoon lets his brother babies him for a moment, because he knows that he really needs it. The gentle, warm touch on his skin reminds him so much of their mother’s. A smile unconsciously appears on his face at the thought.

“Woojin,” he wonders out loud. “What do you think mother is doing right now?”

He blinks, before a smile breaks out on his face.

“Dunno,” he shrugs, grinning. “Want to visit her?”

 

 

* * *

_if you can fake that, you've got it made.  
_

* * *

}{

 

 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing Ong Seongwoo?”

He looks at the scattered photos displayed on his desk. Just a week after he parted ways with Jihoon, the media finally releases the pictures of him and the younger, kissing. When the first headline comes out, Seongwoo couldn't believe his eyes. It felt like something is holding him down, and suddenly it’s hard to breathe anymore.

_How could I be so reckless?_

“I’m sorry,” he says weakly, refusing to catch Daniel’s eyes on him. “I didn’t—”

“You didn’t think,” he cuts him over, “—is that what you want to say, Seongwoo?”

Seongwoo flinches at the question. It’s true, though. Back then, he wasn’t thinking about anything besides the bursting, tight feeling in his chest. He should have known that the paparazzi would follow them everywhere, and he should have known that if there’s any chance this get out to the public, Jihoon would be crushed.

And they don’t disappoint him.

(Those people – those cowards – behind the keyboard of their phones have crushed him with only words and scathing remarks.

“I’m so sorry.”

_I’m so sorry Jihoon-ah._

“Don’t fucking say that to me, you asshole.”

Daniel’s harsh, dangerous voice startles him from his miserable thoughts.

“I respect you as an elder, hyung, but this has gone too far.” Daniel slams his hand into the coffee table with a loud bang, his expression dark and guarded. “Now you better be watching this and introspect your shitty behavior or god helps me, I will hunt your ungrateful ass down.”

With that uttered, the director leans back to give him another glare, before he walks out the door and blasts the piece of wood hard into its frame.

With shaking hands, Seongwoo picks the flash disk up. He’s got his phone in one hand and looks at the many articles about their scandal written by multiple medias. He chuckles bitterly when he realizes that none of the articles directly attack him, and instead it’s Jihoon who receives the burnt end of the insult.

Many of them bring up Jihoon’s status as a newbie actor and brand him as a slut for seducing his way up the ladder. Calling him names, _improper_ names, and they don’t even _try_ to filter their words that he has to endure reading the entire thing with bated breath and gritted teeth.

_Fuck them all._

Closing the tabs in anger, Seongwoo jabs the flash disk into his tv and watches as it automatically opens a video, which is quite surprising, because he thought that it would be another batch of unreleased photos of them that Daniel managed to buy. Not this five minutes and three seconds video instead.

_What the hell is this?_

He waits for the video to start before he widens his eyes when a familiar face appears on the screen of his tv.

“Is that you, Jihoon?” he murmurs.

 _“Yah! What do you think you’re doing huh?”_ A girl, who couldn’t be older than fourteen is blocking the way of Jihoon and his twin while people swarm around them in hushed whispers. _“Seducing our Seongwoo-oppa like that… you’re such a slut!”_

Seongwoo grits his teeth when he sees the way Jihoon flinches at the accusation.

 _“What the fuck—”_ beside him, Woojin balls his hand into a fist. “ _Watch your mouth, you ugly witch! Fucking get the hell away from my brother!”_

The girl points her index finger at him in outrage. _“Who are you calling ugly you—y-you ugly bastard!”_

 _“How original.”_ Woojin rolls his eyes. _“Now hear me, missy, you better move the fuck out fro—”_

 _“Woojin-ah,”_ Jihoon nudges him. _“Watch your words, she is still a child.”_

Taking that as an insult, the girl bristles, her eyebrows knitting in absolute disdain. _“Who are you calling a child, huh? Don’t fucking underestimate me!”_

Sighing heavily, Jihoon tugs Woojin away before he can fire another crude word into his suspect. But the younger refuses to move, so Jihoon puts his arms around him and starts murmuring soft words against his brother’s ears to calm him down.

 _“Yah!”_ she stomps her feet in anger. _“Don’t ignore me!”_

 _“Please, just let us go.”_ Jihoon begs, his lips burning red because all the biting he has done. _“I’m sorry about my thoughtless action, but it doesn’t mean that you can—”_

 _“What? You’re sorry?”_ the girl snorts. _“What are you even sorry for? For being a slut?”_

The people around them laugh at the jab, and Seongwoo feels his blood boils.

 _“I won’t expect anything from a son out of wedlock.”_ There is a cruel smile on the girl's face. _“Didn’t your mother seduce her way to fame too? Ugh, really disgusting!”_

Seongwoo widens his eyes.

_What?_

Woojin is ready to launch himself at the girl, but Jihoon holds him back, lips meeting in a grim smile.

 _“You,”_ he begins coldly. _“Who do you think you are?”_

Seongwoo shivers at the sharp and grating voice that comes out from Jihoon’s mouth and sees the same thing happen with every person within the vicinity. Even his brother, Woojin, looks startled at his twin’s change in behavior.

 _“You can talk trash about me. You can tell them any rumor you like. But I will not remain silent if you drag my mother into this mess.”_ he says fiercely. _“Insult me! Hit me! Make me suffer! But don’t you ever dare to insult my mother!”_

Sengwoo holds his breath.

 _“My mother… my mother is a good woman. She cooked for me even though we only had a little food left. She bought me beautiful clothes and paid for my tuition and worked hard despite the stigma put on her. She… despite the insults and accusations were thrown her way, she always smiled at me.”_ he whispers. _“She’s the best mother that I can ask for so please, please I beg you—”_

Jihoon drops to his knees.

_“Please take your words back about her.”_

The girl looks speechless, and she’s looking at Jihoon as if he’s growing another head. If he looks closely, he sees her eyes glistening with tears.

_“Y-You—”_

Woojin tries to pull his brother up, but it’s no avail. The elder of the two is rooting himself to the ground, refusing to raise his body up no matter how hard he tries to force him. At the sudden turn of event, everyone begins to leave one by one, leaving the twins and the sasaeng alone in the midst of now empty street.

The video ends just like that, and the last thing he sees is Jihoon’s tear streaked face looking straight at him, as if he knows that he’s being watched.

Seongwoo runs his fingers through his hair, his face scrunches up in silent tears.

“Jihoon… I’m so sorry….”

Seongwoo pushes his palms against his wet eyes and wonders how it came to this. Because hurting Jihoon wasn’t his intention in the first place.

Now it feels like Doyeon’s case all over again. Jihoon is taking all the blame just like Doyeon did and the next thing that he knows, he would have killed himself like she did. All because of him and his selfishness.

_No, don’t think about that you fool!_

The guilt is persistent in his mouth, just like a bad aftertaste he couldn’t wash off, and in a time like this, he wishes that he could just get away from everything. Wordlessly, he drops down into the couch, his eyes never leaving the paused screen on his tv. There is a bile working up his throat, and he feels a little remorseful about keeping Jihoon’s face on, but he just wants to stare at the younger for a little more.

_A little longer._

Seongwoo lets his head hits the pillow and he dreams of pretty eyes and the smell of heavy rain under bursting fireworks.

 

 

* * *

 _lesson_ _seven:_  
acting is a spiritual quest to touch human beings

* * *

}{

 

 

Jihoon doesn’t really know what he is doing exactly. Sitting in this familiar hospital room, seeing the pure white painted on the sleek walls and tiles, and the speck of red coating the corner of his mother’s lips, or her receding hair; everything feels surreal.

(Everything feels like a dream; a dream that he can’t wake up from.)

“Jihoonie! You came!”

She is Park Junghwa; thirty-nine years old; currently under intensive treatment for lung cancer stage three. She is the mother of twins and was an actress back in her prime day. She is his beautiful and kind mother. She is his inspiration.

(She is Jihoon’s entire world.)

“Mom, how are you doing?” he begins with a cheery smile, in his hand clutched a small box of desserts. “I brought some delicious food for you~”

“Still healthy as ever of course! Your mom is a strong woman after all!” Junghwa says in response, punching her arm in the air. “What is this?” she admires the colorful macarons scattered inside. “Awe, they look super tasty~ Thank you so much dear!”

Giggling quietly at her silly antics, Jihoon pulls himself closer to stare at her. “Wah, you look like you’re in a super good mood today mom. Did one of the nurses ask you out on a date?”

“Yah this kid.” Junghwa slaps his arm gently. “You sure love it to tease your own mother huh? You ungrateful child.”

Jihoon smiles and holds himself for breaking apart all over again when he notices the slight crack in her voice. He knows that his mother isn’t getting better and he doesn’t need the doctor to tell him that. Her sunken cheeks and cracked lips tell him all he needs to know. It’s obvious really.

“Where is my other baby?” her question startles him. Jihoon blinks his eyes only to find her smiling at him. “The two of you taking shifts again?”

“Yeah,” Jihoon gulps down his fear back and plops down to the freezing metal chair beside her bed. “He’s still at school.”

“Hm? It’s that so?” Junghwa tilts her head to the side and starts munching on the red colored macaron. “Why aren’t you in school then?”

Jihoon grimaces. “I don’t have any course today.”

His mother pauses on her munching, her sweet smile withers into something bitter and wistful.

“Liar.”

Jihoon stops then give her a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.

“I’m not.”

There is no response, and they jump into silence. Jihoon starts to fiddle with his fingers. His body is getting jittery, and the heavy feeling inside his chest intensifies.

“Jihoon-ah,” he freezes when she calls him softly. “I heard about your movie.”

Jihoon feels his heart stops beating for a second.

“Mom, I’m—” he pauses. “I’m….”

_Why am I so afraid?_

“Aigoo, why are you making that face, hm?”

When he’s looking at his mother’s sad, knowing eyes, all he can feel is fear.

(Jihoon is so afraid, so, so afraid.)

“Mom,” he croaks out. “I’m sorry, but I’m going to be an actor.”

(Afraid that he is going to be alone at his mother’s hospital room and watches her wither away without Woojin in his side. He is not strong enough to handle the pressure, and the pain is just going to swallow him up in a heartbeat. Woojin knows this, but there’s nothing he could do besides compromise. His brother needs to attend his course, and it would be selfish of him to prevent him from doing so.)

“Just like father, I’m going to be a great actor. I’ll make you proud. I’ll—”

(But still, Jihoon is so afraid that he wants to die.)

 “I’ll…”

 _I’ll bring father back to you, no matter what it takes_ , he wants to say.

“Jihoon-ah.”

Jihoon clamps his lips together at the sound of his name, and tries not to break down in tears here and then. The feeling inside his chest suffocates him, and it hurts to keep on breathing. Because his mother is looking at him with _that_ look he hates so much.

(The last time Jihoon had seen his mother with that look in her eye, he'd been fifteen and crying, and she'd just threw up onto their tiled floor in a swirl of murky blood and vomit, eyes closing ever so slightly against her cheekbones.)

_Mom, don’t make a face like that._

“Do you remember our little secret? When it’s hard for you to keep on going, just press that wish button like I taught you, hm?” she smiles softly and pats his head. “I promise that everything will be okay. You will be okay.”

“Mom….” Jihoon chokes out. “Mom I’m—”

The feelings become too much for him to handle, so Jihoon lets himself drop into his mother’s embrace, and she circles her frail arms around him like the old times.

“Shh, Mom is sorry, Jihoon-ah.” The slight tremor in Junghwa’s voice makes Jihoon aware of her tears too. “My poor child, please forgive me. Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

“No, it’s me—” he shakes his head. “The one who should apologize is me, I’m so sorry. I know you don’t like it to be reminded of father but… b-but I’m just—”

“It’s okay. I understand.” she pats his head tenderly, and the warmth from her fingertips travel through his skin into his bones. “You’re the best son I can ever ask for Jihoon-ah. Thank you for always understanding. Thank you for always thinking about me. Thank you for everything. I’m so proud of you, my son.”

Jihoon chokes back a sob from tearing his lips apart and buries his head deeper into her chest.

(His tears are still falling.)

“I’m sorry because I can’t give you a normal childhood like your friends.” she whispers. “I didn’t even tell you about your father beside the fact that he’s an actor like me. Mom is so sorry, Jihoon. Please, please forgive me.”

“No! There’s nothing to forgive! You’re a great person mom—”

“I’m not.” Junghwa cuts him off. “I’m not, Jihoon-ah. They are right. I’m nothing but a disgrace. I seduced a married man and had you and Woojin, but never think that you’re a mistake because you’re not.” she says firmly. “Both of you are the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me.”

Jihoon chokes back a sob. “Mom….”

“That’s why,” she continues. “Don’t ever think that I want to leave you on my free will because I don’t.”

Jihoon bites his lower lip. His heart is chattering within his rib cage, and his eyes are set on fire as he blinks back the tears. Somewhere in the depth of his mind, Jihoon knows that his mother always wants the best for him; both him and Woojin.

(But it doesn’t mean that it hurts less. Because the way his mother is looking at him right now—

“I want to be with you until the end, but what can I do?” she whispers brokenly. “I’m not getting better Jihoon-ah.”

_No._

“They said there is only a month left.”

_Please stop talking._

“So please—”

_I don’t want to hear it._

“Let us say our goodbye starting from now, okay?”

—is like she is trying to say goodbye.)

 

 

* * *

_because when you act, you’re trying to make them love you.  
_

* * *

}{

 

 

“Oy,” Minhyun nudges him. “Can you stop moping?”

Pokes. Grumbles. Then silence.

“Ugh, why are you suddenly like this?” the manager prods again, getting frustrated by second. “Shouldn’t you be happy? You have your condo all of yourself now.”

That tears a flinch from Seongwoo’s otherwise collected demeanor. Shaking his head, Minhyun thins his lips into a line.

“It must be because of Jihoon, right?”

Seongwoo’s fingers twitch. Minhyun sighs.

“You know, if you feel bad about everything, you should have confronted him instead of sulking like a three years old. It’s been two fucking months for god’s sake.” Minhyun murmurs. “It takes only a minute to pick up your phone and call him. And it only takes half an hour to drive to his apartment and grovel on his feet. It’s not too late, my friend.”

“What are you talking about?” Seongwoo finally speaks, his tone low and dangerous, unlike his usual self. “Don’t you see I’m busy?”

“Busy my ass! Just listen to me, you dimwit!” Minhyun slaps him in the shin, anger and worry mix together in his dark eyes. “Daniel told me that [tacenda] is nominated for five categories, you heard me? Five _fucking_ categories and one of them is the daesang!” he shakes his head in disbelief. “Daesang! Can you believe that?”

Utter silence.

_No fucking way._

Seongwoo blinks. The last time he checked, their movie wasn’t that popular considering many scandals out in public, tarnishing both his name and Jihoon’s in the process. Even Daniel couldn’t escape from the backlash and actually received some of his own because the public thought his judgment was misleading. So yeah, it’s too surreal for him to process anything right now.

“How?” asks Seongwoo, breathless. “I don’t understand.”

Grinning wide, Minhyun plops his palm into Seongwoo head and begins to muss up his perfectly styled brown locks. “It’s because of that video, actually.”

That piques his interest. “What? What video? Do you mean—”

“Yeah, that one with Jihoon and that crazy sasaeng.” he nods. “You know, there is nothing like bad press. We are actually lucky that someone recorded the entire thing and posted it in sns. Hit the fucking jackpot, we did.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Seongwoo grumbles, astonished by his manager’s uncalled positivity. “That video should burn in the deepest pit of hell. Why in the world would you consider it as luck?”

Minhyun just smiles, his eyes soften, and for once he doesn’t look like he is about to maul his face with his bare hands.

“You really care about him, don’t you?”

Seongwoo blinks. “What?”

“Jihoon,” his manager says simply as if his name alone is enough answer. “I thought you give no shit about him and his well-being, but now I know that you care. Nah, you care about him more than yourself. Whipped.”

“I’m not whipped,” Seongwoo grumbles through gritted teeth. “And you haven’t answered my question, you jerk.”

At this, Minhyun slaps Seongwoo’s lips quite hard and watches him howls in pain with flat eyes. “Watch your mouth, dipshit. No one is allowed to trash-talk me other than my Jonghyun. So zip it.”

“Fuck!” Seongwoo blinks the tears from the corner of his eyes. He doesn’t know why his manager is so violent with him, it’s like he gets some kind of satisfaction from seeing him hurt, or something like that. “That hurt you sick bastard!” he cries.

Ignoring his theatrical waterworks, Minhyun drops himself into a seat beside him and begins to examine his cuticles. “Anyway, I just want to say that video saved Jihoon’s career. He went up from Nation’s biggest hoe to Nation’s current sweetheart. His speech about his mother really brought him up from the dark abyss. It’s really fascinating to see how people turned from defaming him to defending him on many popular portal sites. Especially naver. God, does the boy has a load of lawyers as fans or something. They are really fierce with their words I’m shaking.”

Seongwoo blinks; once, twice, thrice.

“Oh,”

Minhyun frowns, clearly dissatisfied with his lack of reaction. “Oh? That’s your only response to my long ass speech? How could you disappoint me like this?”

“What the—” and Seongwoo shakes his head, muting his comeback from coming through. “No, I’m not going to fall into your trick again. I don’t want more pain.”

“Smart move.” Minhyun remarks. “Anyway, what you’re going to do with your own scandal, hm? Now that Jihoon is safe there’s no need to make any official statement because the shit will go down by itself in days or maybe weeks, give or take. But I know you, and I know that you are not the type to just let it go.”

Seongwoo abandons his stylist’s warning about messing up his hair and lies spread onto the sofa, eyes blinking into the ceiling above. His mind is full of scenarios, but only one roots itself deep into his bones.

“Is Jihoon going to be there?” he asks after a minute.

There is no answer, and Seongwoo slants his head a little to give Minhyun a questioning eyebrow.

“Huh?” Minhyun blinks at him. “Wait—what did you say?”

“Jihoon,” he repeats. “Is he going to attend the ceremony?”

For a second there, Minhyun looks taken aback, but then he regains his composure again and playfully flicks Seongwoo's forehead. “Of course! Just for your information, the entire crew is invited.”

Breathing out, Seongwoo crosses his arms above his eyes. He feels all sort of tingling and jittery, and it’s excruciating to keep himself still, but he knows that he needs to do it.

_Don’t get cold feet now, you fool._

Because this is his last chance to make everything right.

 

 

* * *

 _lesson_ _eight:_  
acting provides the fulfillment of never being fulfilled.

* * *

}{

 

 

Two days after Jihoon had gotten the invitation to the award, his mother finally breathes her last.

Surrounded only by her twins, in a hospital bed that smells like linen and fresh-picked flowers, his mother is finally released from the many tubes hooked on her lithe body.  Jihoon watches as life seeps out from her eyes in a trail of tears and sweats, her eyelashes flutter close against fluorescent light above. Between Woojin’s choked sobs and his own silence, all Jihoon can hear is the sound of his heart breaking into pieces.

So he runs.

_I wanted to be an actor just like father, not because of his sake, but for mother’s sake._

He ignores Woojin’s surprised cry and makes his way out from the hospital. Choking back a sob, he forces his trembling feet to move faster. He doesn’t want to be here anymore. The place is suffocating. Jihoon doesn’t think he can breathe anymore because his lungs are crushed, and his heart is beating miles and miles away.

_She always said that father looked most handsome when he acted._

Jihoon can feel his temperature dropping fast. His hands are getting clammy and bullets of sweat form across his forehead and nape. In his delirium, nothing feels right anymore.

_I just wanted to bring him back to her side; to bring her happiness back._

His feet are taking him too fast. Too fast just like his chasing heart but there is nothing he can do besides running away.

_So she could get better, so she could smile and play with us again like the old times._

His mind is in chaos, and everything suddenly seems too bright, too blinding.

_I tried so hard, and it’s only a little bit more, just a little bit more._

The flowers inside his hand are falling into the ground, and he stomps over them without remorse, the silvery white petals bleed crimson under his weight. It reminds him of his mother, and the tight feeling in his chest begins to drown him.

_But it doesn’t matter. She’s already gone. I was a second too late._

Drowns him inside a memory he can't forget no matter how hard he tries. Drowns him inside the fleeting touch of his mother’s wrinkled fingers and the days she left behind. Everything suddenly comes crashing down his head like tidal waves, and he asks himself again; why?

_Why it has to be like this?_

Jihoon stops, his feet rooting into the ground below him. Tipping his head back, he glares into the setting eastern blue sky as if he’s trying to send it crashing down, his lips parted in between.

“Mom, I pressed the button.” he whispers through his tears. “I pressed and pressed until my fingers bleed so why—”

He chokes on his tears.

“Why didn’t you come back?”

_Why did you break your promise?_

That’s the moment when tears suddenly swarm his eyes.

“Why did you leave me?”

_Please don’t leave me._

“I won’t leave you, Jihoon.”

Widening his eyes in surprise, Jihoon turns around only to find himself stuffed against someone’s hard chest. The stranger is holding him so tight until he forgets how to breathe for a moment. Jihoon pulls himself away as though he is burned, but the grip around his body only tightens.

“Don’t cry.” The person whispers. “I’m here. I’ll always be here, Jihoon.”

He blinks when the smell of peaches and summer suddenly assaulted his nose. _The smell is familiar_ , he thinks.

“Daniel… hyung?”

 

 

* * *

_because you're never as good as you'd like to be.  
_

* * *

}{

 

 

“What the fuck you’re doing here?”

Seongwoo flinches at the ominous greeting, but still keeps his composure tight and eyes blank.

“I want to meet Jihoon.” Seongwoo shifts his eyes away from those sharp midnight orbs, feeling oddly ashamed with his own words. “I heard about—”

Woojin cuts him off. “He’s gone.”

“What—” he gulps down the bile down his throat. “—do you mean he’s gone?”

“He’s… just gone.” Woojin whispers. “It’s always like this. Every once in a while, he would disappear into god knows where. No matter how hard I try, he won’t tell me anything. Sometimes it feels like he’s trying to fight by his own, even though we know that it’s not his war alone.”

“I’m—”

“Don’t.” he stops him mid-sentence. “No matter how much I want to blame you for everything, it’s not your fault.”

“But it is.” Seongwoo spats. “It’s my fault.”

“Don’t be so full of yourself.” he snorts. “You’re a jerk for not trying to contact my brother for months, and I still want to hit you for that, but at least you fixed all the mess right away. Our mother’s death is not in your hands.”

“But I should have—” he pauses, hands trembling. “I should have done something, _anything_.”

“Do what? Confront him? Force him to share his pain? It’s useless.” he says. “I’ve tried, alright? But my brother won’t open his heart to anyone no matter how hard they try. But you—”

There is a pause, and Seongwoo looks up only to find Woojin smiling at him; a smile that is so familiar, and also painful at the same time.

“You may not know this, but I’m grateful to you.” The younger chuckles weakly. “In the nine months he spent with you, never once did I see him without a smile. My brother is strong, too strong; and that’s why he doesn’t like to lean on anyone but you—”

Woojin pauses; his smile turns bittersweet.

“You make him feel safe and secure.”

Seongwoo eyes widen at the revelation.

“You make him feel something I wasn’t able for years,” says Woojin. “It’s laughable really, because I am his brother, and yet never once did he think to share his pain with me even just a little… even only a little.” he lets out a few chuckles. “Maybe it’s because he feels some kind of responsibility as the elder. But sometimes—” he pauses. “Sometimes I just wish that he would share our burden together.”

Seongwoo doesn’t know what to say. His windpipe is all clogged up, and there is bile working up his throat. His mind is a mess, his heart in chaos. Seongwoo truly doesn’t know what to do anymore.

(He’s stuck.)

“I’ll find him.” Seongwoo blurts out.

Woojin blinks at him. “Huh?”

“I will find Jihoon.” he whispers. “I promise you that I’ll find him.”

Then, Seongwoo runs. He blocks his eyes and ears and focuses on his roaring heart instead, the constant, steady beats lulling his chaotic mind into stillness.

_Yeah, I will find him._

Seongwoo is different from Youngsoo after all, and Jihoon is definitely not Haneul.

He will make sure to find a happy ending for them both.

 

 

* * *

 _so_ _there's always something to hope for.  
_

* * *

}{

 

 

“You feel better?”

Jihoon hears Daniel before he sees him, and he feels strangely disappointed. But then he crushes those stupid thoughts from his mind. Mulling after something like that is useless, really. After all, he still feels his mother’s warmth across his skin. He doesn’t need another distraction to mess with his mind too.

“Yeah.” Jihooon croaks out, and he sounds like someone is scratching at the back of his throat. “I’m—I think I’m okay…”

“Hey, don’t be like this.” After moving to sit across Jihoon, Daniel strokes his back gently. “It’ll be okay. You’re going to be fine.”

 _You’re lying,_ he wants to say. _Nothing will be okay._

He doesn’t say any of that, though, and instead, he chooses to sip the lukewarm glass of tea clasped between his hands.

“Seongwoo called me.” Daniel suddenly says, “He was so worried about you, Jihoon-ah. So I told him that you’re here with me.”

Jihoon turns to look at him, eyes blank and unseeing.

_He’s worried… about me?_

When he finally processes the question, Jihoon snaps out of the daze and he is mad, he is fucking _mad_ , furious even because who does Ong _fucking_ Seongwoo thinks he is? After leaving him all alone drowning in a mess without even a word of consolation; after ignoring him for the past months and dodging his presence in his life; after treating him like he doesn’t even exist; how dare he look for his whereabout and declare that he’s fucking worried about him?

_That asshole._

There is a burning ice inside his stomach, and it hurts for him to even breathe. His grips on his glass of tea escalate until his entire body is shaking. Jihoon can’t believe how pathetic his life sounds right now. His mother is dead, he’s running away from his brother, _again_ , and every bit of him is hurting like a bitch, and now Ong _fucking_ Seongwoo is adding himself into the equation. As if his problems aren’t that enormous already.

Jihoon wipes the angry tears from his eyes.

_No, stop thinking about that jerk._

“Oi Jihoon-ah? Why are you crying?!” Daniel moves towards him, his entire body buzzing with panic. “W-What’s wrong? Did I say something that upset you? J-Jihoon-ah please answ—”

“No.” he chokes out. “It’s not your fault hyung. It’s mine.”

Daniel pauses his mental breakdown and stares at Jihoon’s tear streaked face, his lips turning down in a frown. “Hey, don’t wear such a face.”

“Sorry, I’m just—” he chuckles wetly. “I don’t think I’m in my right mind. Just ignore me, hyung.”

“How could I, Jihoon-ah?” he says softly. “How could I do that when you look like this?”

There is something heartbreaking in Daniel’s gaze on him, but when Jihoon blinks, it already disappears only to be replaced by a bright, teasing smile.

“Come on,” he pouts at him. “I know that you’re a handsome kid but you know, snot and tears aren’t that good addition even for, I quote, _World’s Cutest Wink Boy Jihoonie_ , I unquote.”

Then comes the silence.

Jihoon wants to grimace at Daniel’s horrible sense of humor, but he knows that his intention is to make him stop crying.

“Hyung..." his sentence stalls when he can’t find the words to express himself before he proceeds again. “Are you trying to cheer me up?”

Daniel pauses for a few seconds, then turns to look ahead, the tips of his ears reddening in the embarrassment of being caught.

"I just hate it to see you look so helpless," Daniel mumbles softly. "You're more suited to smile, Jihoonie."

Jihoon blinks. Raising his hand slowly, the tips of his fingers follow the line of his lips.

 _Ah,_ he thinks. _I’m smiling._

Flashbacks swarm his eyes with every blink. The hospital’s stale smell of blood and medicine, the chalk-white wall of her hospital room, his mother’s plea for him to let her go, to willingly send her away but Jihoon couldn’t do it.

(He couldn’t let his mother go yet. Not when his heart is still bleeding and blue.)

And then Seongwoo—he shakes his head, a frown marring his face.

“Jihoon-ah, look at me.”

Blinking up in confusion, Jihoon lands his eyes on Daniel, who’s currently making funny faces at him. That particularly stupid expression on his face though manages to tear off a slight giggle from his lips.

"See," Daniel suddenly exclaims, his right index finger pointing at Jihoon’s surprised face. "—smiling really suits you the best."

“Hyung…” Jihoon murmurs. “I… just, thank you…”

Daniel’s soften, and he ruffles his head gently. “Your welcome, Jihoonie.”

Basking in each other’s ambiance, they stare at each other; softly, deeply, as if trying to disclose the warmth in their chest. Jihoon catches his breath when Daniel looks down at him, his eyes dulled by the darkness of the room. Jihoon doesn’t know who takes the first move, but now they are almost a finger apart, their breaths mingling into one.

“Daniel-hyung…?” Jihoon whispers. “What are you…?”

He doesn’t answer him, but he leans closer and closer until their foreheads knock. Jihoon stares at him, before shiver runs across his skin at the dark, peculiar look that spreads across Daniel’s face.

_What are you doing?_

Jihoon closes his eyes and braces for the impact.

Then, just a second before their lips almost touch, his front door blasts open loudly.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

 

 

* * *

 _lesson nine:_  
with acting, you can't be too self-conscious. 

* * *

}{

 

 

“Get away from him you fucker!”

Jihoon spins his head away only to spot Seongwoo at the entrance, his hair in disarray and brows narrowed in restrained rage. He stalks past, all eyebrows and intensity, his jaw set so stiffly it looks like he could crack teeth.

“Daniel—” he growls menacingly. “How dare you—”

His sentence is left unfinished, and instead Seongwoo throws a punch across Daniel’s jaw that sends him falling to the floor. Jihoon opens his mouth in shock at the violent action before he yanks Seongwoo’s taller build, dragging him away from Daniel with his arms around his stomach.

“STOP IT!” Jihoon screams in his ears when Seongwoo refuses to move from his place, the struggle he puts is too strong for him to handle. “What are you doing?!”

“Let me go!” he hisses back to Jihoon. “Let me punch that bas—”

“What the hell are you talking about?!” Jihoon spats the words violently. “What’s wrong with you!”

“Why are you getting mad at me?!” Seongwoo finally stops struggling to pin Jihoon with a glare. “Do you want him to kiss you badly, huh?!”

“W-What?” he looks at him in disbelief. “Ong Seongwoo! What the fuck do you think you’re talking about?!”

Instead of answering, Seongwoo grabs his wrist roughly and pulls him out from the room. Jihoon can only let the older drag him around until they arrive at some secluded place at the rooftop. Pushing him against the wall, Seongwoo looks at him sharply.

“What the fuck happened, huh?” he asks. “Why did he try to kiss you?”

“Why are you asking me that?!” Jihoon spats.

“For fuck’s sake Jihoon just tell me the truth!” explodes Seongwoo.

“Stop yelling at me!” Jihoon screams. “Why does it matter to you?!”

“Because I love you, dammit!”

Seongwoo widens his eyes when he realizes his mistake a second too late. But when he turns to looks at Jihoon, the younger is quiet. Seongwoo can't tell if he’s shocked or if he knew that he knew. There’s not even a twitch to show how affected he’s by Seongwoo’s confession.

“Why?” Jihoon asks after a minute. “Why me?”

“Why not you?” Seongwoo asks back, his eyes fierce and burning with tears. Dammit, he hates crying, but the bursting feelings inside his chest are too much for him to handle all at once. “Why it can’t be you?”

“But…” Jihoon trails off, and there is something heavy in his gaze when he turns to stare at Seongwoo. “I can’t, hyung.”

“Why? Do you not love me?” he asks desperately. “Do you hate me then?”

He is silent.

But then, a second later, Jihoon finally opens his mouth;

“I’m sorry hyung, but I think I’m going to give up.”

_What?_

“Being an actor; I think I’m going to give up.” continues Jihoon. “There is no reason for me to try anymore. The person that I wanted to impress the most was not here after all. It’s meaningless, really.”

_No. Why are you saying things like that?_

“Anyway, I’m not really that good in acting.” The younger scratches his cheek, laughing weakly. “I don’t think I’ve done a good job, even for an amateur, so it’s better for me to leave the industry.”

_How could you say that so casually?_

“I’m happy that [tacenda] is loved by many, though. To think that my first movie ever is getting so many love is overwhelming.”

_No, stop it. Stop making a face like that._

“Jihoon, what about me?”

_What about us?_

Seongwoo wonders what his life would be like if he’d never met Jihoon. Jihoon who likes sweet things like ice cream and caramel candies. Who loves stuffed animals and actually has a load of them stacked back in his room. Whose hobby is to watch all his dramas and movies multiple times. Whose face tends to flush when he is embarrassed or when he is lying. Whose mere presence alone can make a dent through the years of grief buried deep inside his heart.

“Hyung…?”

He never likes the answer because he thinks that would be the same as a life without air, without the sun and moon and stars and well, everything. Jihoon is not Doyeon, though, because she’s gone, and because Seongwoo never loved her as much as he loves this boy in front of him so why—

_Why he has to go?_

“What about me?” Seongwoo repeats, voice shaking with emotion. “You promised that you will always be here. So why are you suddenly…” he stops to stare at him desperately. “Are you going to leave me alone too?”

_You’re so reckless and unpredictable. Like a storm in sunny days you barged into my life so suddenly._

“If you go, then I will hate acting even more,” he says between chasing breaths. “Because acting has taken everything from me. And now it’s taking you away too.”

_I tried to keep you at arm's length; sought to hate you. But then you smiled at me and promised me forever._

“I don’t want you to be taken away. You promised me to stay, didn’t you?”

_So please don’t go. I’ll give you anything._

“Why can’t you stay with me instead?”

_I’ll lend you all my hoodie. I’ll buy you ice creams and that pink blobs you like so much. I’ll sit down with you and watch my dramas without complaint so please—_

Seongwoo wonders if Jihoon realizes the fact that himself alone has so much control over his life, over himself, over his future.

_Please._

He probably does.

_Please don’t leave me behind._

But he probably doesn’t.

So when Jihoon smiles at him; a smile that is too murky to compliment the stars in his eyes, Seongwoo knows that it will be heartbreak once more.

“Hyung I’m sorry.” begins Jihoon softly; carefully. “But I can’t. You… you remind me too much of acting. You remind me so much of my mother, and it still _hurts_ , even now. So I—I hope that you can understand.”

The feeling is overwhelming, but Seongwoo stands his ground, afraid that the slightest movement might startle Jihoon and forces him to walk away. They stand there under the flickering lamp for a few minutes too long, just simply breathing in each other’s presence.

Seongwoo is twenty-four years and three months old, and Jihoon is almost twenty-one years old, but Seongwoo knows that his pain is nothing compared to Jihoon’s. His pain is subtle and quiet, and it comes in many forms and shape. The stains of blood from when he held his mother against his small body, the blotches of tears that mark the edge of his sleeves when it's gotten harder to believe, the wound all over his heart left by his father—

(But Seongwoo thinks that it’s okay.)

“It’s okay.” Seongwoo whispers. “It doesn’t have to be now. I can wait.”

(It’s okay to believe that someday Jihoon will be healed. And it’s okay to believe that he could be the one who heals all his wounds away.)

Because if he doesn’t believe in something, then what?

“I hope that, when we meet once again, I can hear your answer loud and clear.”

Seongwoo lips quirk into a small smile with a hint of bitterness, and for the second and last time, he’s the one who walks away.

 

 

* * *

 _because it’s not about being famous._ _  
_

* * *

}{

 

 

Daniel is the one who visits him two days later, and he notices that the bruises on his handsome face are fading fast. The memory of his fight with Seongwoo still haunts Jihoon in his sleep sometimes. He doesn’t want to be the reason of their straining relationship, let alone the cause of a break-off. But before he can voice them up, Daniel has stopped him with his usual boisterous laugh.

“We are fine, Jihoon-ah.” he smiles softly. “Years of friendship can’t be broken just like that you know.”

“Still, it’s my fault that you’re dragged into this mess, hyung.” Jihoon sighs. “it’s supposed to be ours to deal alone. I’m sorry.”

“I dragged myself into the fire, Jihoon.” he shakes his head. “But let’s just forget about that. The ceremony is only a few days ahead Since you have no manager, you’re going with us, right?”

Jihoon flinches. “Can I just not go?”

“No.” Daniel says sharply. “You’re our lead actor, Jihoon-ah. How could you even think about not attending the ceremony? What are you talking about?”

“I’m—” he pauses. “Hyung I really—”

“I thought you’re a responsible person.” he cuts him off, his eyes uncharacteristically cold. “But I guess I was wrong.”

“H-Hyung, I’m—” Jihoon feels his eyes begin to burn. He doesn’t like the harsh, chiding tone Daniel’s using with him. “To be on stage again… I can’t…”

After that sentence uttered from his mouth, Jihoon notices that Daniel has grown silent, his mouth pressed into a tight line. There is no emotion whatsoever plastered across his face, and it’s hard to determine what he’s thinking about.

_I’m scared, hyung._

“Hyung…” he bites down his bottom lips. “Please say something.”

_Please don’t look at me like that._

“Is it worth it?” Daniel finally speaks.

Jihoon blinks. “What?”

“Leaving the industry.” he continues. “To give up on your dream, is it worth it?”

Jihoon opens his mouth, only to close it again.

_How?_

“I heard from Seongwoo.” As if he’s able to read his mind, Daniel gives him a half-smile. “After struggling for so long, after crying quietly in your room when you couldn’t get the chance to perform. Forgetting to eat and sleep, immersing yourself in the role you were given, do you think it’s worth it to give up now?”

“I don’t know…”

Jihoon loves acting, but he still hasn’t get used with what comes along with it.

The exhilaration after completing his first movie, the happiness he felt working with many amazing peoples, the gratefulness of every support and praise, he loves every second of it. But the spotlights, the never-ending schedules, and those restricted smiles and laughs he has to endure when the paparazzi are present; he doesn’t like them at all.

(And his mother—his mother’s gone, and with her went his reason to keep on going. So why, _why_ should he stay, really? Why should he stay when he’s so afraid of the whole thing?)

“I’m just—” he pauses, searching for the right word only to settle with this; “Afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Everything.” he says. “To begin again…. is just so scary.”

“But is it enough reason to run away, Jihoon?” asks Daniel. “Does your fear is enough reason for you to abandon it all?”

“I guess—m-maybe, I don’t know I’m so confused!” he shakes his head. “My mother was everything to me. Without her I wouldn’t be here right now, vying to be an actor. She’s the reason why I even tried in the first place, but now she’s gone, I—”

A tear rolls down his face.

“I just lost my reason completely.”

He thinks about her then, his gentle, beautiful mother. Even until the end, Jihoon couldn’t bring that man she loved so much to her doorstep. When he’d heard about his birth father’s occupation, all Jihoon could think about was how to make that person impressed with himself as both an actor, and a person. He wanted to show him that his mother had raised two great sons, that it’s a bad decision for him to leave them behind, but now that she’s gone—

(Now that she’s gone, he has nothing left to fight for.)

“Then, you would just give up?”

Jihoon stops, considering the question again.

_Should I just give up already?_

“I want to,” he says honestly. “I want to give up—”

But then, when he’s about to say; ‘ _everything'_ to Daniel’s expecting face, Seongwoo appears in his mind so suddenly he has almost stopped breathing. So Jihoon stops for a moment to admire his deep, warm eyes, the slope of his sharp nose, the three moles upon his cheeks that shaped like a triangle, and his sharp canines which always seem to peek out from his lips.

He thinks then; does he can give Seongwoo up?

“Jihoon-ah…?”

The answer comes easily to him in the form of Seongwoo’s smiling, ethereal face.

“But,” Jihoon chokes out, and his tears finally fall across his face like waterfall. “But if there’s something I couldn’t give up, that would be—”

“Love, isn’t it?”

Jihoon blinks.

_Ah._

The realization knocks into his mind just like that. When the hammer of epiphany falls; there are no butterflies in his stomach, there are no fireworks, and instead, Jihoon feels calm.

(Jihoon feels content.)

“Hyung, I think I love Seongwoo-hyungnim.” Jihoon utters those word quietly like it has just dawned on him for a moment.

Daniel doesn’t look like he is surprised, and instead, he ruffles his hair. “I know.”

“…you do?”

“Hm, it’s obvious, really.”

Daniel leans forward and smiles down at him, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Ahh, this is so embarrassing. I look like a complete fool.” he chuckles humorously. “The person that my best friend loves… to think that I would fall in love with you, it’s really laughable, hm?”

Jihoon feels his heart clenches at the sight. “Hyung…”

“The first time I saw you on that stage, I had fallen in love.” he says. “You and your quiet confidence as you whispered your lines had won me that day.”

_What?_

“But I’ve always known that my feeling is one sided.” he ruffles his golden locks until they’re tangled with each other. “I knew the moment you said Seongwoo’s name with so much elation, with that beautiful, sincere smile on your face, that I stood no chance.”

Feeling the hurt and raw desperation in every word makes Jihoon want to hug the older and tell him that everything will be okay.

(But Jihoon knows that he can’t. He knows that by doing so, he will hurt the other more than he already has.)

“Maybe you didn’t realize it at first,” Daniel pauses. “But I think that since the start, you have fallen in love with him.”

Jihoon widens his eyes at the revelation.

_Daniel-hyung, you—_

“So what about it, Jihoon?” he grins at him. Although the hurt is still visible on his face, Daniel is smiling at him, a true, sincere smile. “You’re going with us, right? You said it yourself, there’s still something you can’t give up on.”

_There’s someone you can’t let go._

“But I… I still don’t know what I should say to him, what kind of face I should wear when I meet him again. Seongwoo-hyung is surely…” he whispers. “He surely is waiting for me, and yet I don’t even know if I want to take his hand again.”

“You’ll understand when you meet him.” Daniel smiles, ruffling his head until it looks like a birds nest. “Now, get yourself together. We have five trophies to take home.”

 

 

* * *

_nor worshipped,  
_

* * *

}{

 

 

“Seongwoo, are you ready?”

Stopping at his nth attempt to calm his nerves, the actor sighs and drops back into his seat. “I don’t know. I guess.”

“Hey,” Minhyun grips his shoulders. “You know that Jihoon is not Doyeon, right?”

“Of course.” he practically spat the words. “What the hell is wrong with you? Doyeon’s gone. She’d killed herself years ago because of our scandal, and I accepted that. I fucking accepted the fact already so why are you dragging her into this mess?”

“No, I’m just—” Minhyun pauses. “I’m just afraid that you’re seeing the wrong person all this time. Not to mention their case was almost identical too. I—”

“What are you trying to say?” he frowns.

“I don’t know. I don’t even understand myself.” Minhyun chuckles humorously. “But seeing you back then really hurt, Seongwoo. Even though I rarely show it, you’re my best friend, and I care about your happiness more than anyone. We all know that love is very fickle. It nurtures, but it also destroys. I just don’t want you to regret anything.”

Silence.

“Minhyun, are you trying to tell me to give up on him?”

“I wouldn’t say that, but yeah—” he averts his eyes. “Because of Doyeon, because of their similar background, I can’t help but doubt your feeling for Jihoon.”

He pauses.

“Seongwoo, does it really love that you feel towards him—” the look on his face turns somber. “Or guilt from not doing the right thing with Doyeon, hm?”

Seongwoo chuckles weakly. “I don’t know.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t _know_.” repeats him. “But I want to believe that my feelings for Jihoon; this tight, suffocating emotion, is real.” he stops for a moment to give him a small smile. “And I’ll know the truth when I see him again, so there’s your answer.”

“Seongwoo…”

“You know, Minhyun.” he begins again. “I might have loved Doyeon in the past, but when I thought about the future, her presence was still a blur. I couldn’t picture her at all with me, even though she was the first person that I’d ever loved. But with Jihoon—”

Pause.

“With Jihoon, the picture is crystal clear.”

 

 

* * *

_it’s not about fortune either,  
_

* * *

}{

 

 

 _You are here_ , he thinks.

Seongwoo is here, in flesh and all, standing in front of him. Jihoon misses him so much. Him and his wide grin and sharp canines and three moles that shape like a triangle, Jihoon misses them all, he longs to see them again.

But at the same time, he doesn’t want to.

(It’s a wretched feeling, and he knows it. But it is better than this rotten, sick longing pulsed on his every cell.)

"Jihoon…." The young actor flinches when he hears that deep, rough voice calling his name. Biting his lower lips hard, he tastes rust and blood. "Hey, long time no see."

_To face you again after all this time… is scary._

"Hyungnim…" Jihoon murmurs, brushing a strand of wild hair away from his face with a trembling hand. “It’s… nice to see you again.”

_Why I’m so scared?_

Jihoon shakes his head, erasing him and his jarring thoughts from his consciousness; because something inside him always burning like fire when he enters his mind. Jihoon needs to block him away, needs to wring him out from his thoughts somehow.

(But how could he when Seongwoo is literally a meter away from him?)

His feet are shaking, and his mind is screaming at him to get the hell out from this place. But before he can do that, Seongwoo already pulling him closer only to link their arms together. Holding his breath, Jihoon lets himself being tugged into their assigned table.

Seongwoo’s touch is still as gentle as he remembers, and Jihoon can’t help but smile softly at the thought.

_Why I can’t seem to forget you entirely, huh?_

He is seated between Seongwoo and Daniel, and Jihoon isn’t sure that he’s even breathing the entire time they are talking right to his ears. Clasping his hands together on his lap, Jihoon draws air into his lungs and tries to crush the ball of nerves resided in his chest.

He wishes his brother is here with him. Woojin always knows how to calm him down better than anyone else.

The fleeting thought makes Jihoon suddenly longs to meet his brother. After days ignoring Woojin in favor of his breakdown, Jihoon realizes that he misses the younger a lot. Him and his boisterous laugh and potty mouth have always managed to coerce a smile upon his face. Hell, Jihoon thinks that he even misses his snaggletooth. Smiling, he tries to recall the memory from their childhood where Woojin sang along Boa’s Only One. Jihoon lets out a few chuckles at the ridiculous picture, causing a few head to turn at him in question. He shakes his head and nods at them, his eyes twinkling with mirth.

(After this ceremony ends, he will make sure to spend more time with Woojin.)

“Hey,” Seongwoo whispers. “What are you smiling so wide for?”

“No-Nothing.” Jihoon blushes when he realizes their close proximity and moves away, trying to get some distance between them. “Just a passing thought.”

“Yeah?” The actor raises his brow at him. “Care to elaborate?”

“Just… something.” he mutters. “It’s unimportant.”

Seongwoo only smiles at him. “Anything about you is important for me, Jihoon.”

Feeling his heartbeat rising into a crescendo, Jihoon averts his eyes forward so he is obscured from Seongwoo’s face. He tries to pay attention to what happened on the stage, but his mind is in chaos just like his heart, and the only thing he can feel is Seongwoo’s warm breath near his neck.

He looks up when Daniel taps his shoulder, signaling that their last category finally coming up. Their movie has won two other categories prior this one for best screenplays and best cinematography, and Jihoon thinks his hands may fall off from excessive clapping.

(Even though he feels so nervous, even though his heart is a mess, he tries to keep his body in control.)

“Don’t be so nervous.” Jihoon suppresses a shudder when Seongwoo leans into his ear, whispering. “Just wear your best smile. We’ll be alright.”

Just before he can give him a response, they are suddenly ushered to the stage in a flurry of congratulations and hard slaps on the back.

_What? What happened?_

Jihoon tries to keep himself conscious through the entire thing, his mind suddenly goes blank when he realizes that he’s not sitting in his assigned seat anymore, and instead he’s standing on the podium, Seongwoo by his side.

He turns around to pin his eyes on Seongwoo desperately only for the older to grins at him, eyes twinkling brightly. He guides him into the middle of the stage by the arm, and they are suddenly bombarded with praises and smiles by the mcs.

“Congratulation, you both.” One of them smiles at them, handling two buckets of flowers for each and something heavy. Jihoon still can’t wrap his mind to comprehend anything. “Now please make your speech, the audience is waiting.”

But when the fog inside his mind clears a minute later, Jihoon finally _sees_.

Everyone is standing on their feet, applauding loudly like there’s no tomorrow. Just a few meters ahead, he spots Daniel, Jonghyun, and the rest of their crews too, they are looking at them with this proud expression on their face. At that moment, Jihoon realizes that they are standing for them.

They are standing for _him_.

“Hey,” Seongwoo nudges him gently. “Don’t get cold feet now. There is something you need to do first.”

Jihoon blinks his eyes, then his pupils widen when Seongwoo pushes him closer to the mic, his lips almost touching the cold metal of its head.

 _Go on_ , he mouths at him.

“I…” begins Jihoon with a shaky voice. “Just, thank you for—”

He suddenly loses his voice mid-sentence, throat vibrating in delirium as his grips against the trophy between his fingers tighten. Even now, he still can’t believe that they have won the daesang.

It’s _daesang_ , after all.

“T-Thank you for supporting us throughout this journey.” he finally speaks. “I know that many of you didn’t expect much from [tacenda] but I want to say thank you anyway. If not for all of you… there’s no way that we can stand here, on this stage. So—thank you.”

Breathing out and in, Jihoon averts his sight to catch Daniel’s worried eyes at him. The taste of guilt is still present at the back of his throat, but Jihoon smiles, and this time he smiles sincerely.

“For Kang Daniel, our beloved director—” he smiles when Daniel waves at him, eyes crinkling in happiness. “You don’t know how grateful I am to you. I don’t want to imagine the world where you didn’t get to see my audition that day because it would mean that this would never happen, so thank you thank you _thank you._ For giving me this chance… I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

Jihoon turns away to search for Jonghyun’s familiar silhouette between the crowds and finds him at the end of their table, smiling at him.

“Kim Jonghyun, the genius writer of this screenplay… thank you for giving me such a beautiful role. Kim Haneul will always be a part of me until the day I die, and it’s all because of _you_.” Jihoon pauses to present him a blinding smile before he extends it to the people beside him. “Our Choi Minki, Kang Dongho, Hwang Minhyun… and also the rest of our beloved crews, thank you so much for your hard works. I love you all so much!”

Jihoon shows them his infamous ‘jeojang’ and watches them dying with laughter at his unexpected action.

“For my brother, Park Woojin.” he pauses to give the camera a full view of his face. “I hope you’re watching this right now or I’m going to disown you from our family tree.” he hears the audience laugh. “Woojin-ah, thank you so much for supporting me all this time. You’re the best brother that I can ask for, I’m sorry and I love you so much.”

Jihoon takes a breath, turning around to catch Seongwoo’s eyes on him.

_This is it._

“And for my co-actor, Ong Seongwoo.” he begins. “Honestly, I don’t know what to say. My mind is muddled, and it seems like nothing sounds right. But I—just this once, I want to say the same thing like I did back then.”

He sucks in a breath.

“Thank you for the good memories,” Jihoon says with a teary smile. “Maybe our days weren’t exactly rainbows and sunshine, but working with you is no doubt one of the most beautiful moments in my life. The late nights we spent rehearsing, the breakfasts we shared, the laughs and the tears… thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me until now. If not for you, then I wouldn’t be standing here, on this stage. So thank you, for being the best partner I can ever ask for.”

Jihoon holds his breath when Seongwoo smiles at him; that smile that always haunts his mind; that smile that he loves so much. The warmth inside his chest is a burning fire, and he suddenly doesn’t feel nervous anymore. His heart is still hammering in his chest, but it’s a good throb, oddly soothing and grounding.

For a moment there, he feels a little lighter. The stiffness of his fingers slowly begins to loosen and his knees which shook uncontrollably just minutes ago feel more flexible.

Now, he actually thinks he can do this.

“There is also another person I want to thank the most,” he gulps down, trying to keep his emotion in control. “But sadly, she’s not here with us anymore.”

_No, don’t cry. Get yourself together, Park Jihoon._

“Mom, do you hear me? Your son finally made it.” Jihoon forces a smile. “After struggling so much all these years, I finally fulfilled my dream. The start was rocky, and I struggled so much that I wanted to give up for once and all, but then I remembered that I wasn’t alone. I remembered that there were people cheering me on.”

_I’m sorry for being such a selfish son._

Jihoon misses his mother so _bad,_ and there is a hole in his heart, gaping and bleeding the words he supposes to say but unable to, so he waits for another second to pass before he opens his mouth again.

_I’m sorry for not letting you go sooner._

“So that’s why I can proudly stand here and tell you that, I will let you go.” he whispers. “I love you so much, mom. Goodbye.”

_But now I will, so—_

He stops at that, his eyes clogging up with unshed tears. Jihoon is disappointed in himself because until the end he couldn’t say sorry to his late mother, but at least now he can finally move on.

_I hope wherever you are now, you’re happy._

He breaks down into tears and pushes his palms across his eyes, pressing them hard until he sees stars. Then suddenly, he feels someone embracing him from behind, cradling his head gently and holding his trembling arms.

“It’s okay.” Seongwoo whispers in his ear, “You’ve done great, Jihoon-ah. She must be proud of you.”

Jihoon buries his face into the middle of Seongwoo’s chest, muting his cries from escaping out. He hears the audience chanting _don’t cry_ between his strangled sobs, and he can also pick up Daniel’s shout and Minki’s high-pitched screams among the crowds, but his tears won’t stop flowing.

“Hey, don’t cry.” Seongwoo pushes Jihoon from his chest to shed his tears away, his lips curling into a bittersweet smile. His eyes are brimming with tears just like him, but he chooses to let them flow across his cheeks like waterfalls. “Smiling suits you the best, so please—” he pushes their forehead together. “Smile for me.”

Jihoon laughs then, loud and free and gives Seongwoo the smile he wants and thinks that finally, he can be happy. He blinks the tears away from his eyes and watches as Seongwoo pulls the other microphone from its stand before adjusting it slightly to meet the line of his mouth.

“Well, because Jihoon kindly thanked everyone for me, I just want to do something before we end this speech. For my partner, Park Jihoon.” he freezes when Seongwoo laces their finger together. “There’s something I want to tell you while we’re standing here.”

Jihoon eyes widen when the older suddenly drops on his knees.

“H-Hyungnim! What are you doing?” he crouches down and tries to pull him up, whispering. “Everyone is watching.”

Seongwoo doesn’t move an inch.

“To our Jihoon who always smiled his brightest, thank you for being by my side from the start until now. And I’m sorry,” says Seongwoo softly. “I’m really sorry for everything I’ve said and done that hurt you. You’re a beautiful human being, and I feel like a bastard for not treating you right.”

Hushed whispers begin to fill the entire studio. Jihoon blinks his eyes repeatedly and tries to calm his beating heart. There is something odd in hearing his name from many mouths at once, the sounds both foreign and familiar in their mouths. It’s like he hears it, but he doesn't recognize the words at all.

“H-Hyung—” he gulps down. “What are you d-doing?”

Seongwoo shakes his head and motions him to listen.

“I know I deserve more than radio silence for everything, but I can’t keep silent anymore when I’m about to lose a second chance to be happy again.”

Then suddenly, it’s silence. Everyone holds their breath, not even a sound escapes into the air. The weight of this situation finally hits him with full force, and Jihoon feels like his chest is about to burst open.

“So I’m wondering,”

Jihoon holds his breath when Seongwoo suddenly raises his head, grinning with his full teeth visible, his canines peeking out from his lips. There is something flashed across his eyes, something familiar and warm, and if he recalls they call it as—

“If the offer to treat you ice cream is still open?”

_—love._

Jihoon releases the breath he has been holding, and the audience erupts with disappointed groans. A few jeers and catcalls accompany the bubbling noises, but the only thing he can focus on is the man in front of him.

_Seongwoo-hyung… you…_

“Oh my god!” he hears Minhyun hollers from a distance. “I thought you were going to propose you bastard! I got all worked up for nothing!”

“Ya idiot Seongwoo!” Daniel laughs boisterously. “What the hell man, stop being so dramatic!”

Seongwoo just smiles sheepishly. “So, what about it?”

“Of course.” Jihoon nods, eyes crinkling into crescents. “Only if you also buy me that limited edition Jigglypuff plushie.”

Jihoon hears high pitched screams and cat calls being thrown their way. Thundering applause and the screams of approval are ringing in his ears too. But the only thing he can hear is the sound of his beating heart.

_When the time comes again, surely—_

“Deal.”

 _—we will be together forever_.

 

 

* * *

 _lesson ten;_  
because acting is all about exploring the human soul; your soul.

.

.

{finite.}

.

.

.

* * *

}{

 

 

Seven years after the ceremony, Jonghyun invites their little group into dinner. At first, Jihoon thinks that it’s going to be their usual get together, but he is surprised when Jonghyun brings along a man, probably in his late forties or early fifties, and introduces him as the stranger he met on the street years ago. The one that inspired him to write [tacenda] in the first place.

His name is Kim Seokjin, a senior actor and successful businessman, and Jihoon recognizes his face almost immediately when they accidentally lock eyes.

Not from the flat screen of his tv, not even from the front page of his morning newspaper, but instead from the blurred photographs inside his late mother’s possession.

Jihoon smiles at him bittersweetly and wonders if the man knows about his existence at all. Maybe he knows, maybe he doesn’t. Jihoon does not have the courage to ask. There is still a speckle of contempt left astray behind his eyes, but Seongwoo is beside him, holding his hand. There is a glint of silver around their ring fingers.

So Jihoon thinks about happier time; brighter times, ones without his mother’s heartache and Woojin’s anguish and curls himself into Seongwoo, seeking warmth and reassurance. When Seongwoo kisses the top of his head and smiles lovingly at him in return, Jihoon finally makes his mind.

He decides to bring Seokjin into his mother’s place a few days later and watches him crumbles down in front of her tomb in a flurry of tears and silent repentance, her pendant and tears stricken letter tightly clenched between his fingers.

Smiling softly, Jihoon leaves them alone, his hand tight in Seongwoo’s, and he feels the last of his regret melts away into the afternoon sky.

_Mom, how are you?_

In the end, Jihoon thinks that it’s possible for love to find each other, even when they didn’t want to be found in the first place.

_I guess I know why the wish button didn’t work for me._

After all, this world is only a lifetime.

_Because it’s not about me, never about me._

Maybe in another place, another time, this would mean nothing. But Jihoon believes that there must be another story somewhere, perhaps in another space and time, light years away—

_Since the start, I think it’s always been about you._

—waiting for them all.

* * *

  _._

_._

_._

_._

_._

_This is our last lesson, how is the journey?_  
 _Is it good? Is it bad? Please tell us your thoughts later._  
 _I hope you have a great time learning about acting,_  
 _See you next time._  
  
_best regards;_  
 _Ong Seongwoo and Park Jihoon_

.

.

.

* * *

 lesson eleven;  
[tacenda]  
_(n)._ _things that are not to be spoken about or made public;  
things that are best left unsaid._

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second part of my AU’s collection. Kinda experimenting with this new pair as per requested by FlyingPickle~ GIVE THIS PAIRING SOME LOVE PLEASE. I mean, because nielwink and ongniel drama stressed me, and there’s a lot of ongwink moments lately… so what’s better than writing Ongwink??? Niel can choke :) I’m taking his baes away hehe jk jk.
> 
> THIS STORY BURNED MY SOUL AWAY. I mean, I didn't plan to write this much, 27k+ anyone??? I must be crazy lmao. But it's okay, I think it's worth it? I'm very satisfied with the whole thing. I don't know, this story really make me emotional :) The ending... ah, I'll just keep it a secret :) But I'm sure many of you are shocked with the revelation, am I right? I hope you like it! ^^
> 
> Btw hell yeah to twins 2park XD. Just imagine them as twins in real life. Damn, that must be hella funny lmao. AND CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE TO FIND ONGWINK FANARTS??? Like, I can’t seem to find them anywhere… that’s why I was tempted to draw them :( Anyway, please enjoy this story~ I guess I’m going back to write my nielwink after all I’ve been fed well (nielwink on variety show together??? And they’re going to travel and eat dinner together???? I’m dying, please hold me.) 
> 
> P.s: Imagine Song-Song couple’s 2016 grand prize speech for the last scene :)  
> P.s.s: Sorry for any (read: many) grammatical errors in this story! I’ll try better to fix it next time.  
> P.s.s.s: It’s okay to comment in your mother’s language~ I understand English (obviously), Bahasa (my mother’s language), and lil bit of Japanese. But like I said, the other languages are fine~ Gotrans exists after all >3


End file.
